


Christmas Truce in the Angels War

by Octo8



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: #JustProgenitorThings, Bittersweet, Christmas, Cloning Blues, Family, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-09-11 16:43:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 36,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8998780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Octo8/pseuds/Octo8
Summary: Asuka has fallen into a coma already before Armisael. Kaworu has hence arrived earlier. And Ritsuko has explicitly told Shinji Rei's genetic source. So now, during Christmas season, Shinji spends much time with Kaworu, but he has no idea how to act around Rei. And remains completely unaware what it is he's feeling for Kaworu. (Originally a Christmas one-shot, will now be extended to the "EoE".)





	1. Weihnachten

_Asuka would have liked this._  
  
That was a depressing thought if there ever was one, but it was true. The redhead had adapted to Japanese society without many troubles, all things considered, but that had never stopped her from griping about how so many things were so much better in Germany. So she would most certainly have liked a German Christmas Fair coming to Tokyo-3. To what was left of the city, anyway.  
  
Small wooden booths lined up along the pedestrian shopping mile, decorated with fir branches and lights arranged in the form of stars. In fact, fir branches were _everywhere_. Shinji wondered where they all came from; there certainly were not enough fir trees in all of now tropical Japan left to provide so many of them. And candles... there also were so many candles. Half the booths had some on the counter. Many were electric, but there were also quite a few real ones.  
  
To be honest, compared to Japanese festivals, what the Christmas fair offered was a bit underwhelming. Half the booths were devoted to eating and drinking, and most of those were exactly the same: Either selling grilled sausages, or mulled wine. Still, it was something new for Shinji. He liked going through the Christmas Fair.  
  
Of course, he suspected he would have liked going through pretty much anything, if it was in Kaworu's presence.  
  
The greyhaired boy was, what else, smiling, his gaze wandering from booth to booth, his interest and enthusiasm plain to see on his face. He stopped at one booth, which was selling what looked like miniatures of houses, though Shinji didn't know what those were good for or what they had to do with Christmas. But Kaworu looked at them with interest.  
  
“What even are those?” Shinji asked him.  
  
Kaworu shrugged. “I have absolutely no idea.” The way he said it, he seemed to find that delightful.  
  
“Uh, didn't you say you're from Germany?” Shinji asked. He _had_ wondered about the Japanese name; two people coming from Germany with Japanese names within half a year was a bit odd.  
  
“I've never had much opportunity to visit Christmas fairs,” Kaworu explained. “I never had much free time.” His ever-present smile broadened. “In a way, this is my first Christmas fair. And that in Japan.”  
  
“Kinda ironic,” Shinji muttered.  
  
“Yes, but also quite comfortable,” Kaworu opined. “I think I like going here all the more because it is with you.”  
  
Shinji still did not know how to properly react to all the open praise and affection he was getting from Kaworu. It was certainly a reason why he liked so much to be around him... which in turn made him feel awkward; was he so pathetic that he latched onto people just because of some kind words? But the matter of fact was _nobody_ had ever spoken such kind words to him.  
  
At least, not unconditionally. His father hadn't really spoken with him, period, since his mother had died; his tutor had always just coldly evaluated him; and Misato had made any praise contingent on him piloting EVA. He had liked Asuka's lively attitude, but her first concern had always been to maintain her own supremacy, and Ayanami... Ayanami had been safe, but oh so distant. Besides, both were far beyond his reach now. So Kaworu was something unexpected, something new, something.... good.  
  
Kaworu also appreciated the fur blankets laid out in front of the next booth, though he didn't seem to find them quite as fascinating as the miniature houses. That was another aspect of him, his sheer, unbridled sense of wonder about the world around him. After everything that had happened the past few months, the world was a drab and grey place for Shinji. But Kaworu could find delight and wonder even in the smallest things.  
  
“We should get some of the mulled wine,” Kaworu spoke up. “I think it's customary to drink at least one cup when visiting a Christmas fair.”  
  
“I... uh... I don't think alcohol would be a good idea,” Shinji protested. Japan was a very relaxed society when it came to alcohol and minors, regardless of what the official laws said, but even so, he had had basically no experience with it.  
  
“You like a clear mind?” Kaworu asked.  
  
“I just... don't know what I'd do if I got drunk,” Shinji muttered. “And just some sips of sake already get me mostly there.”  
  
“Ah,” Kaworu replied as if he had had an epiphany. “The loss of control... yes. It is good to stay in control. If one can. To choose freely and soundly.”  
  
Shinji was glad to be understood, but he still couldn't keep himself from scoffing. He hadn't exactly had much free choice these past months. He _had_ to pilot Evangelion or _the entire world_ would be destroyed. Sometimes he wished Kaji had never told him that. Maybe it would have been better to die in ignorance, once Zeruel had broken through to Terminal Dogma.  
  
 _But that's a selfish thought. People like Kaworu, Misato, Ayanami, Asuka, Kensuke... they deserve to live._  
  
“It'd still be a pity to break with tradition,” Kaworu mused. He smiled as an idea hit him. “I invite you to a cup, and if you feel control slipping, you simply don't finish it.”  
  
Shinji sighed. His lips curled up slightly. It would be an utter shame to stop Kaworu in his current fascination with all things Christmas. Shinji couldn't stay in his presence without his sense of wonder rubbing off on him, and he didn't want this to take away from him.  
  
“Very well,” Shinji agreed. “Let's see why so many booths here are dedicated to it.”  
  
The cup was quite thick, purple with a silver carving on it. Shinji supposed it showed a German old town or something. It was also quite warm. From what he had heard, Germany still got winters, so warmed up wine made sense there, maybe. In the eternal summer of Japan, it felt a bit out of place.  
  
The mulled wine tasted... bitter. Full of spices, but that only made the taste weirder. And he immediately felt a sort of throbbing in his head.  
  
Kaworu smiled sympathetically when he saw his reaction. “It seems your estimation of your reaction was accurate. It's good to know oneself.”  
  
Shinji just smiled awkwardly. It was just like Kaworu to wax poetically even over such small things.  
  
“Isn't that Ayanami over there?” Kaworu asked.  
  
Shinji followed his gaze. Indeed, out there, standing alone amidst a moving crowd, was a familiar figure with blue hair. Shini's so far good mood soured. _Ayanami..._ He hadn't spoken with her since Akagi's relevations. Was _unable_ to speak with her, now knowing what she was. How did one speak to a girl who had been _created_ , whose body had been one out of dozens in a tank? A girl of which he had seen dozens of versions just disintegrate?  
  
Worse yet, a girl he had found to be... attractive, had maybe even been attracted to – but which he now knew was a clone _of his mother_. He felt bile rising inside him just thinking about that.  
  
But there also was something else. “How odd,” Shinji muttered.  
  
“Hm?” Kaworu voiced.  
  
“She never seemed to have much of a concept of free time or entertainment,” Shinji explained. _No wonder, given her origins..._ “To see her here...” He shrugged. “It's odd.”  
  
“You could ask her about it,” Kaworu suggested.  
  
“I don't think so,” Shinji mumbled.  
  
Kaworu laughed. It was a clear, friendly, _fresh_ laugh. “What's the worst that could happen?” Then he turned around. “Ayanami! Over here! Come! Have a cup of mulled wine as well.”  
  
 _No, Kaworu, what are you doing?_  
  
Ayanami looked in their direction for a moment, as if confused. Then she silently set herself in motion and reached them without speaking a word.  
  
Shinji desperately wanted to look away, but that would be rude. So he just looked at the ground, hoping that the whole situation would pass him by as quickly as possible. Once, Ayanami's presence had been calming to him. Even when he had fallen on her nude fig... _Gah!_ It was his mother's body she had. Or that one time... that one time she had in fact looked like a mother to him. And after all that, how could he now talk to her?  
  
He had seen her die. A dozen times, several dozen times. She was not... she _was_ a person. That was part of the problem. Shinji could not just dismiss her as just a clone, or an angel and hence enemy or whatever. It was Ayanami, so Shinji just _could not_. But how did one talk to _such_ a person?  
  
“Hello, Ayanami,” Kaworu greeted her. The bluehaired girl just nodded. Kaworu turned towards Shinji. “So, Shinji, you were saying...?”  
  
Shinji _tried_ to say something, he really did. But he could only emit an unintelligible mumble that even he didn't know the meaning of.  
  
Kaworu laughed his sparkling laugh again. “Oh come on. Say something.”  
  
Slowly, Shinji looked up. He could barely look Ayanami in the face, but he managed to get out, “I was just wondering... what you were doing here.”  
  
 _Well. That was blunt._  
  
Shinji immediately felt bad about it, but Ayanami didn't seem to take offence. _Of course. She's just as blunt._ “I don't know,” she answered.  
  
“You don't know...” Shinji echoed.  
  
“I wanted to get out of my apartment,” Ayanami explained in her monotone voice, soft yet all matter of fact. “I don't know why. I heard this is an event to visit, but I don't know what to do here.”  
  
Kaworu smiled at her. “We could show you.” He raised his cup of mulled wine. “Do you want one as well?”  
  
Ayanami shook her head. “I don't think that would be good for my body.” _Smart girl._ Shinji still felt a slight throbbing in his head. As she didn't answer the rest of Kaworu's question and didn't move, an awkward silence fell over the trio.  
  
Shinji was increasingly unnerved by this silence, until he finally blurted out, “You wanted to get out of your apartment?” That did sound unusual for her.  
  
Ayanami nodded. “I feel these impulses now and then. Impulses I have no memory of. It's sometimes difficult to cope with.”  
  
“Since when have you been having those impulses?” Kaworu asked.  
  
“Always,” Ayanami answered. “But the Second didn't have them,”  
  
Immediately, Shinji cast his view down again. _The Second._ “His” Ayanami. Which made _this_ Ayanami... Shinji didn't know what or who this Ayanami was to him. Was she in fact Rei Ayanami?  
  
“So you're the Third,” Shinji heard Kaworu mutter. “Well, if there's anything we can do to help you...”  
  
Shinji felt guilty. That was a line _he_ should have said. He also was in awe of Kaworu's always caring and supportive personality. He wished he could be like that, but it was plain he wasn't.  
  
“I don't think so,” Ayanami answered. She hesitated. “Are you two enjoying this event?”  
  
“It's great,” Kaworu answered. Shinji imagined a broad smile on his face, though he couldn't see it, still looking down as he was. “It has... a very particular atmosphere. There has been so much despair and pain here in the city, and now the souls of the people are delighted, if only for a small moment.”  
  
Ayanami didn't reply to that. Instead, she asked after a while, “And you, Ikari?”  
  
 _Shit._ “I...uh...” he stuttered.  
  
“...I see,” Ayanami answered quietly. _Sadly?_  
  
“I'm sorry,” Shinji whispered. He wasn't sure if an apology was needed, but he felt like it was. And he truly was sorry, but he couldn't change how he now felt about Ayanami.  
  
“There is nothing to be sorry about,” Ayanami responded calmly. “It's my nature.”  
  
For a moment Shinji noted how _strange_ their conversation would probably seem to an onlooker. Fortunately, the Christmas fair had very few visitors, all things considered. There weren't many people left in Tokyo-3.  
  
He felt awful about being let off the hook so easily. Asuka never would have allowed that. “It shouldn't be,” he muttered passively. “And I shouldn't behave like such an idiot.”  
  
“It can't be helped,” Ayanami simply stated. Shinji saw how her legs turned around, and then walked away. He still kept his gaze down for a long time afterwards.  
  
Kaworu laid a hand on his shoulder. That made Shinji turn his head to him. By Japanese conventions, Kaworu was _incredibly_ touchy-feely. That had caused quite some embarrassment for Shinji in the time immediately after the new pilot's arrival, but by now he found he didn't mind anymore. It was reassuring, in fact.  
  
“Come, let's return the cups,” Kaworu simply said.

* * *

  
Out here, one wouldn't think that most of what once had been Tokyo-3 was now a crater lake. The entire neighbourhood of Misato's apartment was still standing, even if the majority of apartments and houses were now empty.  
  
“You really didn't need to accompany me all the way back here,” Shinji muttered.  
  
“It's not a burden,” Kaworu assured him. “Besides, it's on my way, allowing for a bit of a detour.”  
  
“A _bit_ ,” Shinji mumbled, knowing full well that it was actually quite much of a detour for his friend. But Kaworu had insisted, and one could certainly walk a route from the Christmas fair to his apartment via the Katsuragi residence.  
  
Shinji was about to open the door, when it did that all by itself. He and Kaworu were suddenly faced with Misato, dressed in sloppy free time clothes and with a trash bag in her left hand.  
  
“Hello there, Shinji, Kaworu,” she greeted them. “Where have you been?”  
  
“At the German Christmas fair that's come to town,” Kaworu answered. “It's been interesting. You don't plan to go yourself?”  
  
Misato grimaced. “I've seen plenty of the real thing in Germany. This is the cheap touristy version. Besides, it just isn't the same without winter temperatures.”  
  
“Oh, right, you've lived in Germany,” Shinji mumbled. _As Asuka's guardian nonetheless._  
  
Misato sighed. “Christmas was nice there. Very different from here. None of this romance nonsense. I think Japan is a bit obsessed with that.”  
  
“What was it like?” Shinji asked. It was a bit weird standing in front of the door, talking to Misato who was standing in the door frame with a trash bag in her hand. But neither side made any moves to rectify that.  
  
Misato scoffed. “Just as commercialized as here, for one thing. But... it was aimed at... reflection, I guess. Peace. Family and general togetherness, you know? Coming together in harmony and celebrating the big festival.”  
  
“Peace on Earth, good will to men,” Kaworu muttered. When Shinji and Misato looked at him oddly, he just shrugged.  
  
“Not that it matters here and now,” Misato added morosly. “Not much family around here anymore.”  
  
“Yeah,” Shinji agreed, thinking of a father that wasn't much of one.  
  
Misato scoffed. “Of course, _you_ just got more family...” She stopped short and let the trash bag fall to the ground. “I'm sorry, Shinji, I didn't mean to...” Her voice trailed off.  
  
Shinji didn't even listen. His gaze made contact with its old friend, the ground. He didn't have his SDAT player with him, but he still instinctively tried to shut out the world as soon as he had heard what Misato had said. He really didn't want to think of Ayanami and the revelations about her. It was cruel of Misato to bring this up.  
  
“But this is wonderful! Why apologize?”  
  
In surprise, Shinji looked up abruptly. Kaworu was flashing a bright smile from ear to ear. Misato looked just as confused and slightly dismayed as Shinji felt.  
  
“You're right, Ms Katsuragi,” Kaworu went on. “Ayanami has a bond with Shinji. Isn't that a _good_ thing?” Misato just scoffed again. Kaworu turned to Shinji. “Of course, that bond doesn't _need_ to mean anything. But it can if you want it to. You can have a sister, if you both want it. Family, and that in time for Christmas. Just as the Major has said.”  
  
“I don't think it works that way,” Misato stated curtly. She picked up the trash bag again and walked past Kaworu and Shinji without a further word, leaving behind an open door.  
  
Once she was gone, Kaworu looked over to Shinji. “I think this is something you should consider, Shinji.”  
  
Shinji didn't response. He tightened his hands to fists.

* * *

  
Bare concrete walls all around her. Rei didn't care about them. The Second never had, so why should she? But... she did care. The walls were grey and depressing and hard. Those weren't thoughts that fit to her – that fit to the 'Rei Ayanami' she was, but they were there.  
  
 _Why?_  
  
That was the one question she couldn't answer.  
  
 _Why am I still here?_  
  
She still _was_ Rei Ayanami. 'Rei Ayanami' was the tool to Instrumentality, and she was that tool. She still had a purpose, and that purpose defined 'Rei Ayanami'. She should have been content to wait for fulfilling that purpose, as the Second was.  
  
But there was so much more inside her than there ever was inside the Second. The Second's memories were oddly hollow, like she had just watched her life as if it had been a cinema movie. But Rei... Rei _felt_ things. Things for which she had no context. Or things that made no sense in that context. The Second had felt anger at the angels, for example. Had felt an instinctive need to defend humanity, and her... the Commander's plans. But Rei felt a _constant_ tingle of anger, and when she thought of the Commander... she looked over to the desk. His glasses lay there, dented but not broken. She had _wanted_ to break them, but hadn't brought that over herself.  
  
 _Why?_  
  
And then, there was the Commander's son. That was the last thing the Second had realized: Her feelings of love and care towards Shinji Ikari. The second to last thing she had ever felt, before seeing her Commander smile one last time. But _Rei's_ feelings towards the Commander were much more ambiguous, so that left his son. What did she feel towards him? The same as the Second?  
  
 _It doesn't matter. He is repulsed by who and what I am._  
  
...was that sadness she was feeling? _No. Not sadness. Loneliness. Just like Armisael did..._  
  
Maybe she and the angels were in fact the same. Maybe she hence was the same as Nagisa, just as the boy who was not a boy had said. All her life had been lonely. It was sad and...  
  
...and unfair.  
  
And _that_ was a new conclusion. The Second would never have come to it. But Rei... for Rei it added to the constant anger she felt in the back of her mind. An anger she still was suppressing, because she didn't know how to handle it.  
  
 _It's the me inside the EVA..._  
  
But was that right? That she should feel such emotions? Tools didn't feel emotions. And the Second certainly had never seen herself as more than that. But there was something inside Rei that protested against that.  
  
Abruptly, she stood up from her bed. She had to go outside, outside those oppressive grey walls, away from the constant noise outside, away from her own thoughts. Without regarding her apartment further, she just stepped outside and started walking aimlessly.  
  
Of course, there was not much she could go to. The interior of Tokyo-3 was now a lake. Only the most northern and most eastern parts of the city were still standing. In fact, one could see the lake from Rei's apartment; that bloc had only barely been spared destruction. She walked along the shores of the lake for a while, structures of steel and cement prodding from beneath its surface. A picture of destruction painted over by water.  
  
 _City... a human creation. Man feared the night and invented fire and the city. But the night came nonetheless._  
  
Had she failed her bond to humanity? Or was that the Second? Or was it no failure at all, but just human nature? To go on and on no matter what, no matter the price, even utilizing the very flesh of their enemies.  
  
 _Clinging to life. That is human nature._  
  
So why didn't she?  
  
Abruptly, she turned away from the lake an re-entered what was left of the city. Nobody was on the streets there. There simply weren't enough people left in Tokyo-3 to fill the streets. But that was all the better for Rei. She had the whole city to herself.  
  
There was a sound coming from around the corner.  
  
She looked into the direction of the sound. There was a Christian church not far from the intersection. It had always been oversized for Tokyo-3's very small Christian community, but apparently people thought it looked nice and improved the city's vista. Rei couldn't tell the difference, but that sound interested her. _Music..._  
  
She walked up to the church. There was a notice on the wooden doors of the church. Apparently, a choir was singing Christmas carols inside, and entry was free. Carefully, Rei opened the door...  
  
“ _Adeste, fideles, laeti triumphantes:  
Venite, venite in Bethlehem:  
Natum videte Regem angelorum._”  
  
Rei stood in the door frame for over a minute, too captivated by the music to move. Then she slowly, carefully shut the door and moved, nearly on tip-toes, to the nearest bench to sit down. There were half a dozen benches in front of her which were completely empty, but she didn't care. She didn't want to come closer to the at best one or two dozen people at the front of the benches, she just wanted to listen to the music.  
  
 _Want..._ The Second had never wanted anything. But Rei couldn't deny the music sounded nice.  
  
Her AT Field tingled.  
  
A boy turned around to look at her. A boy with grey hair and red eyes. Kaworu Nagisa. And next to him... it was Shinji Ikari. Nagisa tapped Ikari on the shoulder and nodded towards Rei. Ikari looked at her... and then immediately turned away again.  
  
 _Loneliness..._  
  
Rei considered leaving again. She didn't want to burden Ikari with her presence. He was not to blame for what he felt. She _was_ abnormal. A tool, not a human. It was a bleak realization, but true nonetheless, and it would be unfair to drag Ikari down with her in that suffering.  
  
But she didn't move. The music went on and held her down.  
  
“ _Gaudete, gaudete! Christus est natus  
Ex Maria virgine, gaudete!_”  
  
Song after song, hymn after hymn, carol after carol. The notes constructed their very own universe of sound. Rei was sad when it finally stopped, when the world returned to its normal quiet dullness. She missed this magnificent weaving of melodies already, but there was nothing to be done. Silently, she turned around to leave the church again, before others would notice her. Before Ikari or Nagisa would try to...  
  
“Ayanami! Wait up.”  
  
It was Nagisa, of course, once again. Rei did not heed him and simply walked on, but she did not increase her speed, either. Naturally, he caught up to her.  
  
“I was surprised to see you here,” he said. “Did you enjoy the concert?”  
  
Rei was surprised herself how empathetically she nodded. “It was something I've never experienced before.” She hesitated. “I wonder why I've never experienced music like this.”  
  
Nagisa shrugged. “The important thing is now you do. There's a whole world of music out there to explore. The pinnacle of Lilim culture.”  
  
Rei stopped hard in her walk as she heard that familiar Hebrew term. Both children were now standing under a tree next to the church. Without looking at Nagisa she asked, “So not yours?”  
  
“We cannot create culture like your children do,” Nagisa answered. “The Fruit of Life has given us strength, and we can always be sure in our pre-ordained roles, without any of the uncertainties and weaknesses the Lilim experience. But maybe that is our flaw. We thus cannot have culture. We don't _need_ it. So all that is left for me to do is to enjoy _Lilim_ culture.”  
  
Rei did not regard most of the speech. “I am not her,” she answered.  
  
“Hm?” Nagisa voiced.  
  
“You said: 'Your children',” Rei explained. “But I'm not her.”  
  
“I see...” Nagisa answered. “Who are you then?”  
  
“I am the one referred to as Rei Ayanami,” Rei replied.  
  
“And that's all you want to be?” Nagisa asked.  
  
“I do not want to be at all,” Rei answered.  
  
“But you could,” Nagisa told her quietly. “You have opportunities ahead of you. Not everyone does. You should appreciate that gift.”  
  
Suddenly, both of Rei's hands balled into fists. Anger washed over here. Her voice became only _slightly_ more agitated, though. “My life is no gift to me. It has a purpose. That is all.”  
  
“I am sorry,” Nagisa apologized. “It was cruel of me to speak like that. But you can still change your life.”  
  
“I am what I am,” Rei merely replied.  
  
“And some appreciate who you are, even if they can't show it,” Nagisa said. He looked over his shoulder. Rei followed his gaze to see Ikari catching up to them... very slowly and very hesitantly.  
  
When he had reached them, Nagisa suggested, “Let's go for a walk.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
Ikari and Rei looked at each other. They both had asked that; Rei in a monotone voice and Ikari in a more petulant one.  
  
Nagisa smiled. “And that's exactly why.”  
  
Unable to argue with that logic, both of them trotted behind the grey-haired boy. Both of them took great efforts not to look at each other. Ayanami felt... _loss_ at that. Ikari had been the one person besides his father who had cared about her. The one person who had not known about her purpose, and yet still had cared. Of course, he also hadn't known what she was...  
  
She couldn't blame him. In fact, she wanted to make it as easy on him as possible. That was why she avoided contact as well.  
  
“We talked about you, Ayanami,” Nagisa told her while looking over his shoulder. Beside her, Shinji looked on the ground with a bright red face.  
  
She didn't respond. If Nagisa wanted to go somewhere with that, then it was up to him.  
  
“Haven't we, Shinji?” Nagisa asked the Third Child.  
  
Ikari mumbled something. Then he stopped in his walk and breathed in. Rei also stopped.  
  
“I... ah... Ayanami... I wanted to... well, I wanted to apologize again,” Ikari said. “I... I shouldn't be such a fool around you. I shouldn't have simply cut off all contact. Not even with...” He shook his head. “It shouldn't matter.”  
  
“But it does matter,” Rei answered softly. “It does to you.”  
  
Shinji nodded pensively. “I... I just didn't know where we we stood anymore in regards to one another. After seeing...” He stopped himself short. “I... we... that is... we need...” He flinched. “Damnit!”  
  
“We talked about that in the church,” Nagisa chimed in. “The possibility to provide a new base for the relationship between you two. So that you can start anew.”  
  
Shinji nodded again, abruptly and forcefully this time. “Ayanami... since you are... I mean, since you share... you know, my mother's DNA... just like me, in a way... We could be... with those circumstances, I mean... we could be... if that's something you'd want as well, but...” His hands were tightly formed into fists. “Genetically, we are already siblings. We could... we could _be_ that. In reality. Brother and sister... Rei.”  
  
…  
  
…  
  
Rei's world stopped for a moment.  
  
 _A... brother?_  
  
Rei had never had family. Family was an actively antagonistic principle to the whole way her life had been.  
  
Her life...  
  
 _Another medical test. It's her first coherent memory, a nurse taking blood from her. It hurt, but the young girl of two or three years is quiet. She is used to it by now. She is also used to the rough way the nurse turns her head to check her eyes and ears, or to the rough commands. She doesn't know any different.  
  
The same young girl lying on a bed far too large for her, surrounded by instruments and machines. She just lies there and waits. The next day the Commander will come. Finally. It is only him and Dr Akagi she sees, and then not often. She is looking forward to seeing him. Looking forward to... human contact.   
  
Sunlight. She so rarely sees it. She is beneath the Earth most the time. In the very same room, the room with nothing in it but the too large bed and the machines. In the rare moments when she is outside, when she is driven to another laboratory or something, she sees the world outside. People walking the streets, children playing, laughter. She knows she has nothing of that, can't have any part of it. She feels empty realizing that.   
  
The Commander talks to her again. He is the only who does. He talks about procedures, training, physical well-being. That's all he talks about. The girl still listens. It's the only conversation she ever has, after all. She is looking forward for days to hear him talk about her upcoming tasks.  
  
The girl, now more grown, is floating naked in a tank of LCL. Hour after hour after hour, just floating there, while lab techs are all around, watching, observing their computers, keeping to themselves. She can see them all around her, but she doesn't care anymore. She knows they won't talk to her. Nobody does, except the Commander. All she can do is continue floating, just looking straight ahead or keeping her eyes closed, thinking of nothing.   
  
An apartment in a crumbling building. Her new residence. She has simply been moved elsewhere. She now has plenty of sunlight, but that has become irrelevant. What matters is she is to wait _here _now, between assignments, between medical tests, between experiments with the Evangelion prototype. So she sits here on her bed, and waits. Looking straight at the bare concrete wall in front of her. She is waiting until she is needed.  
  
Activation tests. It hurts. The her inside the EVA resists, struggles against her bonds,, wants to get free. She has to subdue her... has to subdue herself. Because the Commander requires it. She is just a tool, and so too must the her inside the EVA be. There can be no alternative: Everything must subordinate itself to the scenario. Even her. Even another her.   
  
She is part of the surrounding world now, the world she so far could only watch. She is enrolled in school now. All around her, students. Children her age who talk with each other, who laugh, who play with each other. Not with her, though. Some try to make contact, but it makes no difference. She is part of the outside world now, but she no longer cares. There is only the scenario anymore.  
  
A brother. A bond. Not a general bond to humanity, but a bond to another person. A fixed, unshakable bond based on blood. Safety. But..._  
  
“I... would like to have a brother,” she stated softly. Ikari looked up, hope plain to see on his face. “But... I don't know if you can be. If I can be your sister.”  
  
“Why not?” Ikari pleaded.  
  
“You can say you're my brother,” Rei explained. “And I can say I'm your sister. But words shouldn't be enough for such a bond.” She hesitated. “We may also have felt other things. Would we really speak the truth then, if we call each other brother and sister?”  
  
“Oh,” Ikari voiced. It was the very emotion of disappointment itself given sound. Like something had just broken inside him. He started to turn away, but Nagisa laid a hand on his shoulder and stopped him.  
  
“It isn't easy,” the grey-haired boy spoke up, and for once he wasn't smiling. “But there can't even be an attempt unless both of you agree to it.”  
  
“I am too unsure,” Rei repeated her position. “I will think over this... Shinji.”  
  
With that, she resumed walking, leaving Nagisa and Shinji behind.

* * *

  
“ _Last Christmas,  
I gave you my heart,  
but the very next day,  
you gave it away...”_  
  
Kaworu smiled ironically. This as well was part of the wonderfully broad spectrum of Lilim music. Even though most people around him, at least those who paid attention at all, seemed to be sick of that song.  
  
He looked at the sights around him. Lights, so many lights. Small stores, escalators... but not many people. There was only one mall left in Tokyo-3, but even so it was too large for the few people who had remained in the mostly destroyed city. Still, the shops were open, so this was the place to go in order to get Christmas presents.  
  
It was a testament to Lilim tenacity. It wasn't just that Lilim life simply went on, despite the destruction around them, despite the by now almost weekly threat of complete extinction. It was also how Lilim _society_ went on. Maintenance of all those lights and escalators. Trucking in the supplies for those shops. The work hours for the sales personnel inside them. And that was just the first order; behind it there were the materials the maintenance personnel needed, the logistics necessary for bringing in the supplies, the food and necessities the sales personnel and indeed every other employee needed. And then there was also a third order and fourth order... Lilim culture was wonderfully complex. By all rights it should be vulnerable and fragile, but even in this state of constant siege and destruction it simply went on.  
  
So Kaworu could look at the scenery around him, a simple mall, and could see a marvel of Lilim civilization.  
  
The civilization he was tasked with destroying utterly.  
  
SEELE had told him that for some, there was hope in death. Kaworu did not understand that logic. Surely, for Lilim there could only be hope in life. Mortal and fragile as they were, they could only go on and on. That was their charm. Lilim were alone, desperate, weak... and yet... and yet they could create something as wonderful as this mall, as Christmas, as music. Their very fragility was their strength.  
  
That was why Kaworu loved Shinji. A soul of such fragile beauty... a hero despite all that the world had thrown at him... a tender personality that had to bear the burden of the world. It was enough to make even an angel's heart melt.  
  
 _And yet, he will die as well..._  
  
Was that really hope? Was that something _necessary?_ Did he need to return to Adam just because he was born of her?  
  
He stepped onto an escalator and kept thinking. What was the alternative? There was a reason he went through life with a detached smile. Because none of it seemed real, because nothing could truly reach him. The world was beautiful, yes, but that was also something irrelevant. It could not reach through his primary emotion: Loneliness. And he knew he could never not be lonely, even when he was together with Shinji, _because he wasn't complete._ There was a hole in his being, and only Adam could fill it.  
  
That was what he longed for. An end to the everlasting loneliness. That was what he cared about, why he had come. He held no loyalty to SEELE, never had. The potential for betrayal had always been an accepted part of their relationship. No, he had come because his loneliness had driven him here. Because maybe he could end that loneliness here, end it forever. _But at what price?_  
  
It was better to be detached from the world, to smile at everything with faint disinterest, than to dwell on those thoughts. And so he did again now. He _would_ enjoy the mall, and he would get a present for Shinji. Even if maybe it didn't mean much. Even if maybe he would end it all in a week or two. Maybe there wouldn't even _be_ another Christmas...  
  
He sighed. There was nothing he could do, except prolonging the inevitable. He knew where they held Adam. One day, sooner or later, he would go down there. But he could delay that as long as his willpower held, and until then.. until then he fully intended to make people he cared about happy. Shinji, most of all. And apparently also Ayanami.  
  
Now there was a beautiful irony he enjoyed. Considering how she had started it at all, how it could be said to all be her fault... _No. Not her. She said so herself. She isn't her._ And in a way, she was indeed just a lonely, scared, blue-haired Lilim youth. Besides, Kaworu didn't intend to blame anyone. Not her, not even SEELE. There was such a thing as tragedy without guilt. It even was beautiful as well, at some level. An intricate sadness... it was just a pity he was at the centre of it all.  
  
He sighed. _I've pondered that enough. Time to buy Christmas presents for..._  
  
He stopped short. The escalator had reached its destination... and Ayanami was standing not even five metres away from it. _Deja vu._  
  
One of his trademark smiles appeared on his face again. “Shopping as well, Ayanami?”  
  
Slowly, the girl turned around to him. “Is that what you're doing here?”  
  
Kaworu nodded. “Such rich bounty here. A temple to Lililm success.”  
  
“And yet you will destroy that all,” Ayanami answered. She didn't shout, didn't even sound accusing or aggressive, she just stated a fact.  
  
“Yes,” Kaworu confirmed likewise. “It isn't up to me.”  
  
“I understand,” Ayanami told him.  
  
Kaworu's lips got thin. “You would. You of all people would.” He paused. “Though maybe I was wrong. We're alike... but maybe not the same.”  
  
“We aren't,” Ayanami confirmed. “What made you realize that?”  
  
“ _You_ may perhaps still escape your fate,” Kaworu clarified.  
  
“Perhaps we both will,” Rei answered.  
  
Kaworu's eyes went wide. That was nothing he had expected to hear from the quiet, usually so passive girl. _If even she thinks that..._ But no. If he didn't destroy Lilim civilization, then the hole inside him, the everlasting loneliness, would never be filled. As much as he wanted to preserve Lilim culture, that was an unbearable thought. And not even Ayanami, this special girl, could change that fact.  
  
He smiled sadly. “Keep that optimism. It suits you.” He paused. “Maybe you should apply it on yourself.”  
  
“I am,” Ayanami told him. “I'm looking forward to my fate. To be released from my duty. To be finally allowed non-existence again.”  
  
“It would be one way to get rid of the loneliness,” Kaworu mused quietly.  
  
Ayanami nodded. “To not feel again. To hence never feel loneliness again.”  
  
“We _are_ alike,” Kaworu concluded.  
  
“No,” Ayanami disagreed. “For you, there is another way.”  
  
“There is, but you seem awfully calm about that fact,” Kaworu remarked.  
  
“You won't be able to go that way,” Rei stated – calmly, monotonously, but firmly. “I will protect humanity. I will protect the Scenario.” She hesitated. “No. I will protect _Shinji_.”  
  
Kaworu flashed a smile. “Good.” He paused. “Shinji... his soul is the very essence of Lilim nature. The souls of both of us, Adamim and Lilim alike, have their own light that protects them. But the Lilim are hurt by that. Their souls' light separates them from one another. Our loneliness is caused by our role; their loneliness is caused by their nature. And Shinji has been hurt so often by that separation...”  
  
“You care about him,” Ayanami said as a statement of fact.  
  
Kaworu nodded. “It is caused by his pain, but of all the Lilim I've met, his soul shines the most beautiful.” He paused. “Though I would gladly trade away seeing that beauty if it meant lessening his pain. You should give him a chance. Maybe you two can build up a bond that eases the pain inside both of you.”  
  
It still took some time until Ayanami answered. “I would like that. I would like to make his proposal work, but I don't know how.”  
  
“Words are insufficient?” Kaworu prompted her to go on.  
  
Ayanami nodded. “There is much standing between us. The history between us.”  
  
“Ah,” Kaworu voiced. “You would... like him as something else than a brother?”  
  
“I want...” For once, Ayanami hesitated, stopping in the middle of the sentence. “I care about him. The Fourth Child made me... the previous me... realize that. I want a bond with him.”  
  
“Just a bond?” Kaworu asked softly.  
  
“That is the most important thing,” Ayanami answered. “If Shinji weren't so obviously repulsed by the implications, I might have aimed for a different sort of bond. But it doesn't matter.” She looked Kaworu right in the face with a, for her, determined expression. “I do not care about... kissing or romance or any of that. I just want a bond... a way to express my care and concern.”  
  
Kaworu nodded. “That genetic link between you two... it doesn't _need_ to mean something. But it can. If you two want it to, it can make you family.”  
  
“Something I've never had,” Ayanami whispered.  
  
“All the more reason to aim for it,” Kaworu told her. Something inside him cringed at that. Ayanami wasn't the only one who had never had a family...  
  
It took over a minute until Ayanami spoke again. Both of them simply stood there, near the top of an escalator, looking at each other. That way okay; there was nearly nobody around anyway, so there was no chance of eavesdropping. Besides, Kaworu would have noticed that.  
  
“That's why I'm here,” Ayanami finally spoke up again. “I have never in my life bought Christmas gifts for anyone, but now...” She paused. “But I'm unsure how to proceed now. Unsure what would be appropriate to buy, or what Shinji would like.”  
  
“You shouldn't overthink that,” Kaworu recommended softly. “The Lilim have a saying that it is the thought that counts.”  
  
“The thought,” Ayanami echoed and turned around. “After this talk, I have an idea now.”  
  
She walked off.

* * *

  
Shinji was nervous. He opened the refrigerator again, to check inside. He looked if all tools were in place. He paced up and down the kitchen.  
  
“Everything will be alright.”  
  
Shinji turned around on the spot. Kaworu was standing in the door frame to the living room, holding an arm over his head, his trademark slight smile on his face. He walked over to the other boy, put his hands on his shoulders and looked straight into his face.  
  
“This isn't about things going right or wrong. This is simply about you and Ayanami getting more comfortable around each other.” His smile turned into a grin. “And about cookies. Maybe cooking and baking are art forms I have paid too little attention to so far.”  
  
Shinji breathed out. Kaworu _always_ had a way to calm him. Of course, that often came with making him nervous in other ways – the grey-haired boy seemed to have almost as little regard for social conventions as Rei, and he was _very_ direct. But Shinji was getting used to it, and even appreciated it by now.  
  
He immediately retracted the thought when Kaworu held the outside of his hand against his face. Blood shot into Shinji's face. Kaworu just smiled.  
  
“Ayanami wondered if either of you could show the conviction necessary for that bond,” he said. “I think your nervousness is a pretty good proof of how important this is to you. You clearly want this to work.”  
  
Shinji smiled... nervously. Kaworu withdrew his hands. To his surprise, Shinji caught himself being almost disappointed about that. He had never met a person who showed his care and concern for others so openly as Kaworu, including in physical ways.  
  
“I would offer my help, but I don't think there's actually anything left to be done,” Kaworu stated.  
  
Shinji sighed. “Ayanami will be here in half an hour. I'm not sure what to do until then other than checking and double checking everything.”  
  
The whole idea had been born out of a casual remark made by Misato. She had visited the German Cristmas fair on its last day after all, only to complain afterwards that it was just a shallow image of German, or maybe generally 'Western', Christmas tradition. And upon Shinji asking what else they did for Christmas in Germany, Misato had mentioned baking cookies. She had in fact once done that with Asuka, when Asuka was still younger. To be exact, they had done it _exactly_ once.  
  
Trying to imagine a combination of Asuka's temper and Misato's skill in the kitchen, Shinji wondered why they had even made that one attempt.  
  
But if that was what they did in Germany, and if Christmas there was about family and togetherness... then maybe that was something Shinji should also do here. With Rei. And also with Kaworu because... well, to be honest, because these days he did most things with Kaworu, and he really _enjoyed_ that fact. Despite Kaworu's boundary violations, or maybe even in part because of them. It was just a given that Kaworu would be part of it.  
  
Kaworu laid an arm around Shinji's waist to nudge him forward. “Let's watch some TV. Not exactly the pinnacle of L... human culture, but it'll pass the time.”  
  
Both sat down on the ground in front of the TV. After a while, without any comment and seemingly out of the blue, Kaworu began to rest his head on Shinji's shoulder. Even now, Shinji's first reaction was to widen his eyes, but then an indulging smile appeared on his face. Why shouldn't they sit like that? Kaworu obviously liked it, and he...well...  
  
He couldn't say he didn't like the physical closeness. In fact, sometimes he found himself wishing for more. Dreaming about more, _fantasizing_ about more. Holding Kaworu, being held by him, and, uh... _yeah._ Things that went beyond just physical comfort. Being a fourteen year old boy, he was used to such thoughts in general; he certainly had had them about Asuka and as for Rei, well, he hadn't needed to _imagine_ how she looked beneath her clo... Shinji stopped that thought right there. She was his sister, period. He wanted to care about her, and he did, but _as a sister_. Anything else would make him sick from thinking too much about it. Though this line of thought did underscore how fragile the aimed for arrangement was...  
  
Anyway. Kaworu. Shinji had always felt kinda guilty about thinking that way about Asuka; like he was mentally exploiting her or something. Surely, she would never have wanted to have anything to do with a wimp like him, certainly not in _that_ way. But at least with her... well, it was something boys his age _were supposed_ to do, right? If a very attractive redheaded foreigner their own age appeared and lived with them, and often wore _very_ loose clothing in the house, _of course_ they would have... certain thoughts.  
  
And Shinji had had them. So why did he now have similar thoughts about Kaworu? That was _not_ quite what a boy his age was supposed to be thinking. Shinji was aware about issues of sexual orientation, of course, but he had never had any reason to apply them to himself. It was just not a frame of reference he used for himself.  
  
And yet... thinking about Kaworu that way didn't feel as frightening as it had been with Asuka. Maybe because Kaworu was so heavily signalling that he was okay with physical contact. Or maybe because Kaworu didn't constantly reject him as Asuka had. Shinji was pretty certain nothing would ever come from his idle daydreams. He didn't even know if he truly, well, _liked boys_. But for once, he didn't feel bad about having those dreams. He could have them and still have, well, to be honest, basically Kaworu cuddled up against him. With Kaworu, it was possible to be close to him and yet _still_ think about what he would look like without those clothes.  
  
Shinji breathed out. Carefully, just to test the waters, he leaned his head against Kaworu's. There was no resistance, no protest. The two boys continued to sit like that and watch TV for about a quarter of an hour. Then the door bell rang.  
  
Rei had arrived at exactly the agreed upon time, not a minute too late or early. Shinji had expected nothing else. He smiled nervously as he opened the door.  
  
“Ah, hello Aya... Rei,” he greeted her.  
  
“Hello, Shinji,” she answered. A long pause. “May I come in?”  
  
“Oh! Oh of course!” Shinji stuttered and stepped back so that she could enter. _I'm feeling_ more _awkward around her now..._ The thing was... he really wanted to have a connection to Rei. A family bond. And he really, really didn't want to screw this up.  
  
Even if all worked out, which was _far_ from sure - How does one act around a newly found sister? A newly found sister which one had ignored completely for days previously, which one had found out was a mass produced clone? A newly found sister, upon which one had fallen while she was naked?  
  
“We, uh, we can begin as soon as you're ready,” Shinj told her.  
  
It was fortunate that they had all come together to _do_ something. So they could indeed focus on the task ahead instead of interpersonal awkwardness.  
  
Rei nodded and simply walked up to the kitchen.  
  
Shinji's earlier checking and double checking now paid off, as everything was quickly in place. Each of the youths had their own bowl in which they mixed the the ingredients for the dough. While the recipe was unknown to Shinji (it was the simplest butter cookie recipe out there, but still not something he had ever done so far), mixing ingredients in just the right amounts and processing them was something that had become almost second nature to him by now. It was an easy and relaxing task, but still interesting for its novelty. By contrast, Rei was much slower and more deliberate, always double checking with the printed out recipe in front of her. Meanwhile, Kaworu was just as inexperienced as her but much more nonchalant about that fact; Shinji wondered and feared what his cookies would taste like in the end.  
  
It was a good thing that Shinji had something to do; otherwise he probably would have experienced the constant silence in which the three worked as unnerving. He was the first who began applying the stirrer to his bowl, and then the first to knead the dough. As that was rather repetitive work, _now_ the silence became notable.  
  
“I haven't been to school in weeks now,” Shinji hence spoke up. “I just... didn't see the point anymore and with all the angel attacks... and Misato apparently has thought the same, but... I wonder if I can go back to a normal school life.” _Oh great. Start with a mood killer, why don't you?_ To make matters worse, to be exact, he hadn't been in school ever since Armisael. Ever since he had seen Rei die...  
  
“Hm, I admit, I would have liked to get acquainted with your classmates,” Kaworu commented, who hadn't even been enrolled in school upon coming to Japan. He had just finished wih the stirrer and was beginning to knead his dough, too. “But you should always allow for the possibility that things will get better. Hope is too precious a good. You should only give it up once there is really not a single chance at happiness left. Which is basically never.”  
  
“Intermittent happiness maybe,” Shinji muttered. When both Kaworu and Rei looked at him, he explained, “I mean, will this go on forever? Will the angel attacks ever stop? Will I be forced to pilot Evangelion forever?”  
  
Rei and Kaworu looked at each other. Neither said a thing. _Huh..._ But Shinji didn't push the issue. He hadn't meant to bring the mood down like that anyway, only... to say _something._ Seeing how well _that_ had ended, Shinji now fully concentrated on kneading the dough, becoming lost in the repetitive task.  
  
 _Flssk._  
  
Something small and soft impacted his cheek. He jerked his head around, but everything seemed to be normal. Holding a finger to his cheek, he discovered it was... dough? _How did that get there?_ Shaking his head, he continued working.  
  
 _Flssk._  
  
Another piece of half-formed, wet and sticky dough. _What?_ Shinji furrowed his brows and continued working.  
  
 _Flssk._  
  
Dismayed, Shinji turned around on the spot, his eyes narrowed.  
  
“Is something the matter, Shinji?” Kaworu asked.  
  
Shinji struggled with words. 'Dough keeps landing on me' would just sound silly. “...it's nothing.”  
  
He slowly turned around to the working area and pretended to begin kneading again, but in truth he kept glancing left and right.  
  
This time, he saw the piece of dough incoming. Leaning hard against the counter, he managed to avoid it.  
  
There was a note of disappointment on Rei's mostly expression-less face.  
  
“Rei!” Shinji exclaimed. “What are you doing?”  
  
“Being annoying,” she answered monotonously.  
  
“...what?” Shinji managed to get out. _No, seriously... what?_  
  
“I am younger than you,” Rei simply stated.  
  
“Err, yes,” Shinji confirmed, totally lost as to where she was going with that.  
  
“Isn't that what little sisters are supposed to be doing?” Rei asked calmly. “To be annoying?”  
  
…  
  
 _Little sister..._  
  
Shinji was now even more dumbfounded than before. He just stood there and looked at Rei with an open mouth. _Does she really mean...  
  
...I have a sister, apparently. _  
  
A stupid smile appeared on Shinji's face, but he still just stood there and looked bedazzled.  
  
“I think you confused your brother,” Kaworu commented, his voice carrying goodwilled amusement, “You should go and give him a hug.”  
  
Rei took a hesitant step forward. Shinji didn't move. _Siblings hug, right? That's normal, right?_ Then again, knowing Kaworu, he'd probably take _any_ opportunity to make people show physical affection...  
  
Rei laid her arms around Shinji. It was... awkward. Her hands were still stained with sticky dough, and her grip around him was stiff. And once she had her arms around him, she didn't move at all. And Shinji himself was very unsure where to put his arms. He hesitantly laid an arm around her waist, but didn't dare do more.  
  
Still... _I have a sister._ He had a person who would be truly _family_ to him. He didn't count his father as such anymore. He thus had been entirely without family... until now. He smiled uncertainly over Rei's head on his shoulder.  
  
Rei still clung to him.  
  
“Uh... Rei?” Shinji said hesitantly. “We... we should put the dough in the refrigerator.”  
  
Rei looked up at him. “Yes,” she merely said and let go.  
  
After Shinji had put all of their dough in the refrigerator, ensuring that it wouldn't become too crumbly, there was a bit of an awkward silence. Everyone had focused on their task so far, and now they had nothing to do. And even Kaworu's considerable social smoothness couldn't make up for Rei's stony silence or Shinji's inherent awkwardness. There were many things they could talk about, like Shinji's and Rei's newfound sense of family, but neither of them were very good at that.  
  
Worst of all, neither Kaworu nor Rei seemed to be _bothered_ by all this silent standing around. Kaworu had the usual half-smile on his face, and yeah, okay, Shinji liked that smile and seeing it upon him, but he could not understand how Kaworu could _always_ keep it. And Rei never seemed to be affected by _anything_. Shinji kinda felt the need to get away from this situation. He wouldn't run, but...  
  
...maybe he would do something else. He walked out of the kitchen and towards his small room. He could have used his _old_ room, Asuka's room, but that seemed inappropriate, so it simply remained empty and unused. It didn't matter. These days, Shinji really didn't greatly care anymore where he slept or where he lived; he just hoped to somehow come through it all. And one thing that had always helped to him to go through everything was music, be it his own or music he listened to.  
  
Rei and Kaworu stood in the door frame between kitchen and living room and watched where he went; they saw him returning with a heavy instrument in tow. Shini sat down at a kitchen chair and began playing the cello.  
  
“Excellent idea, Shinji,” Kaworu commented and sat down as well. “You play beautifully.”  
  
Rei sat down as well and simply listened.  
  
Normally, Shinji would simply get lost in the music he was playing. But now, he was watching both. They were alike in many ways. Serene. Calm. Soothing. Understanding, even though Rei had trouble showing that. And then those red eyes both of them had... Shinji now pointedly looked at just Kaworu. Those red eyes were captivating.  
  
It was undeniable the strange boy had had quite an impact on Shinji in his short time in Japan. Shinji preferred not to dwell too much on that, but sometimes he did. Then he considered himself weak for latching on to a person just because that person had shown him kindness. Felt weak for desiring the physical proximity and touch Kaworu provided so freely. And yet... at the same time he had the feeling all that didn't matter in Kaworu's eyes. And that look on his face, that smile...  
  
Shinji shifted his view to Rei. She didn't have Kaworu's smile, but an intense stare. She seemed to hang on to every note he was playing. On an impulse he stopped what he was playing and instead began playing Bach's Suite #1. It felt right to do so. This was the piece he had played the last time he had touched the cello - after he had visited his mother's grave. Yui... his _and Rei's_ mother. She was dead now, had been for ten years, but the family would live on. Even if it was without her husband, but her family _would live on._  
  
It was also before Asuka had pressured him into a kiss, which had ended in unmitigated disaster. Maybe there was something to be said for not trusting in the fickle whims of supposed romantic connections...  
  
Kaworu applauded enthusiastically when the piece ended; after some hesitation, looking to Kaworu as if learning how to do it, so did Rei, though much more subdued.  
  
“As I've said, you play beautifully, Shinji,” Kaworu remarked.  
  
“I have played since I'm five and I have barely improved in all that time,” Shinji disagreed.  
  
“You must have been an extraordinarily talented five year old then,” Kaworu stated.  
  
“It was beautiful,” Rei agreed monotonously.  
  
Shinji looked down. A slight smile fought its way onto his face. He was content.  
  
He put the cello in a corner. They got out the dough, and began to cut cookies out of it. Misato had given Shinji the cutters. Apparently they had been part of Asuka's vast luggage, though never actually used here in Japan. Shinji had thought about refusing them at first; Asuka would not like him using her stuff, even unimportant stuff like that. Besides, it had felt inappropriate. Only his urgent desire not to disappoint Rei and Kaworu had led him to accept them.  
  
Shinji grinned, took a piece of leftover dough, and flicked it towards Rei. It stuck.  
  
...she didn't even react. Shinji was slightly disappointed. _Well, it is Rei we're talking about._ A sudden burst of anger at his father and Dr Akagi overcame him, for having moulded Rei the way she was. He breathed out and continued cutting cookies.  
  
 _The bastards got her second incarnation. They won't get this one._  
  
Right now, he didn't even think about how odd it was that his sister was a clone. It only mattered to protect _this version_ of it, finally, after two former ones had to endure that life which his father... _the Commander!_... had forced them into.  
  
And he piloted an Evangelion, didn't he? A machine designed to protect people...  
  
The cookies turned out to be... okay? Some of them were somewhat hard. Shinji suspected those to have come from Kaworu's nonchalantly mixed together dough. Oh well... he liked the boy for those attitudes, so it would be difficult to complain now. Still, he made sure to grab as many of the _other_ cookies as he could.  
  
So did Rei. And then she grabbed some of the ones Shinji had laid in front of him.  
  
When he looked at her, she stuck out her tongue. Though, that was the only change of expression. In fact, it was almost creepy to see a completely blank face with a stuck out tongue.  
  
 _She's just going through the motions. Playing the part._  
  
But that was alright. A month ago Rei... the “old” Rei... wouldn't have even done that. She was trying, and that was what mattered. He hence also didn't mind her pestering. If that was how she could fill her 'role' as a little sister... in a way, it _was_ in fact like with a little sister. One who had been ill, who was now slowly on her way to getting better, and about whom you were worried. Like that.  
  
 _So maybe this whole family thing can work out..._

* * *

  
Shinji's room was small as it was, but with an extra futon packed next to his bed, things really got a bit cramped. He had gotten that bed when Asuka had gotten hers, after incessant complaining from her about having to sleep on the ground. Apparently, that was not a thing Europeans did on a regular basis. So finally, Misato had relented and gotten her a bed, and in the process Shinji as well. He himself didn't really greatly care, either way. Which was one reason he had no problems returning to using the futon tonight. His bed was occupied: Kaworu would sleep in it.  
  
Both had lain down already, but neither of them were asleep yet. Shinji felt slightly nervous about having other people sleep in his room, but he was... _reassured_ by Kaworu's presence. For weeks now he had had a feeling of impending doom, of a collapse that was sure to come. Touji's death, he himself barely escaping EVA-01's LCL, Asuka's catatonia, Rei's death, Dr Akagi's revelation, Misato's obvious downward spiral... and angels, ever more angels coming, all the fights and the pain and the risk of death... it all added up. Things just couldn't go on like this forever. Soon, something would have to give. _He_ couldn't go on like this, and he feared what would happen if he finally reached the point where he had to just stop.  
  
But maybe he would come out of this alright with Kaworu around. If he reached that point with him around, if that collapse came in his presence, then maybe it wouldn't be _that_ bad. Kaworu always had the right words, the right attitude. So, knowing that and with that feeling of coming doom always in a corner of his mind, Shinji felt _safe_ with Kaworu around. Or _safer_ , at least.  
  
They had agreed on a sleepover with him on the night to Christmas' Eve, when they would hold a small party in Misato's apartment. Just the two boys, her, and Rei. Kaworu had arrived when Shinji was out doing groceries. He had found him and Misato in the kitchen, exchanging meaningless politeness. Since his arrival, Misato had only seen the boy maybe a dozen times, and nearly all of them were the synch-tests at NERV. She was simply working way too much these days to really be a part of Shinji's life anymore.  
  
She probably saw Kaworu as just another friend of Shinji's. She seemed glad he had in fact made another friend, but... Kaworu was not the same as Kensuke or Touji had been. He... he simply meant more to Shinji than that.  
  
“Do you think... do you think things with Rei will work out?” he asked into the darkness.  
  
“You two made a solid beginning,” Kaworu replied. “You set the right things in motion. Now you need to watch as they unfold. Tomorrow will be part of it.”  
  
“Tomorrow...” Shinji echoed. “My first Christmas with family.”  
  
“I'm glad for you, Shinji,” Kaworu said.  
  
Shinji turned his head around to look at the bed. “What about you? Do you have family back in Germany?”  
  
“Hm,” Kaworu voiced. “My family is rather spread out. They claim the whole Earth as their home, really. But I haven't seen much of them in Germany. I went to a... boarding school, I suppose you could say. I really haven't had much... or any... contact with my family these past years.”  
  
“Oh,” Shinji replied. “That's... I'm sorry.”  
  
“But it's been much the same for you, hasn't it?” Kaworu asked. “At least until your father called you to Tokyo-3.”  
  
“Yes,” Shinji confirmed. “We're alike in that matter. Rei as well. And Asuka didn't really seem to get along well with her stepmother, despite appearances.”  
  
“Hm,” Kaworu mused. “Maybe you should ask Major Katsuragi about her family as well. It is strange that the people who defend humanity are the ones most isolated from it.”  
  
“I do wonder sometimes why I fight, but that's a selfish thought,” Shinji stated.  
  
“It's a natural thought,” Kaworu disagreed. “You know why the angels attack, don't you?”  
  
“Yes,” Shinji confirmed. “Mr Kaji... you never met him... once told me.”  
  
“They want to reunite with their point of origin,” Kaworu told him. “They also are lonely, very lonely. Have you noticed how they always attack one by one? They're all alone. That's why they seek this union: To end their loneliness.” He paused. “So you're right to ask why to defend humanity, if all humanity has to offer is loneliness as well.”  
  
“You're saying we're no better than the angels?” Shinji asked.  
  
“I'm saying you could be,” Kawroru answered. “But humans squander so much of their potential because they're separated from each other. That's why bonds like the one you have built up with Ayanami are so precious.”  
  
 _...well..._  
  
“Or the one I have built up with you?” Shinji asked in a small voice.  
  
“Yes,” Kaworu confirmed. It sounded almost enthusiastic by his standards. “The bond we have built up is something beautiful. I truly hope nothing will ever sever it.”  
  
“Surely not from my end,” Shinji whispered with determination.  
  
“No,” Kaworu agreed. “Not from your end.” It sounded sad.  
  
Shinji wondered what he meant with that, but he was too afraid to ask. _Does it mean he will abandon me?_ Shinji would not be really surprised. That was just the way of life, as he had experienced it. But Kaworu...? He'd rather not know for sure and hold out for hope. He remained quiet, and after a while the conversation could be considered dead.  
  
He tried to fall asleep.

* * *

  
The next day, Christmas Eve, was mostly spent decorating. Shinji thought that Misato had been busy at NERV, but judging by the amount of straw stars, candles and, yet again, fir branches she unpacked now, she had obviously also been otherwise engaged. Shinji doubted that this was about Christmas for her, though; rather she would never miss a chance to make any party as grand as possible, even if it was just for four people.  
  
Shinji had to admit it was kinda fun. The first thing he had done upon coming to Misato's apartment was to clean it up. Ever since, it had stayed mostly clean, though in recent weeks both of them had slipped in their efforts. With everything going on around them, it just didn't matter as much anymore how the apartment looked. Shinji still tried now and then to keep it clean, simply because he fundamentally couldn't stand filthy environments, but even then those had been sporadic efforts. So it felt good to 'dress up' the apartment like that. To make it fancy, special.  
  
And he liked working on that project together with Kaworu. The boy seemed to have a natural instinct for aesthetics, same as he had with music. Cooperating with him... quick discussions what would look best, working at a wall together, grabbing into the same bag and feeling each other's fingers, laughing together... it was a great way to pass the time.  
  
At some points Shinji caught Misato furrowing her brows at Kaworu. He wondered if his estimation was right; if she truly saw the grey-haired boy as just another friend of him. Kaworu was also an Evangelion pilot, after all, and there weren't many of those around. Still, he wondered what Kaworu could have done to draw Misato's ire. Given Kaworu's nature, Shinji wondered how he could draw _anyone's_ ire.  
  
As expected, Rei rang at the door bell at _exactly_ 17:00, the time she was supposed to come. Strangely, neither Misato nor Kaworu moved; they left it to Shinji to open the door.  
  
“Merry Christmas, big brother,” Rei greeted him.  
  
A wave of spontaneous happiness washed over Shinji. That was not what he had expected, but it made him glad.  
  
“Merry Christmas, little sister,” he responded. “Come on in.”  
  
To his surprise, Rei didn't do that, at least not immediately. Instead, she caught him in a hug. He smiled, even though he had to remind her again to let go. It was a bit of a work in progress, but then, the same was true of him. And maybe even among siblings who had grown up together, this was rather close contact, especially in the semi-public of the door frame, but after all that had happened the past months, Shinji found himself caring less and less about etiquette and public perceptions.  
  
“Hello, Rei,” Misato greeted her as she and Shinji entered the kitchen. “Did I hear that right? Big brother? Little sister?”  
  
“Shinji is in fact my big brother,” Rei responded. “You know the facts.”  
  
That sobered up Misato immediately. “Yes. I do.”  
  
“What matters is what we make of those facts,” Kaworu piped up.  
  
“You'd do well to remember that, Nagisa,” Rei replied.  
  
Shinji looked at her in surprise. So did Misato. Of course, Rei's speech always sounded a bit cold due to the lack of emotion in it, but with that formulation it came across as almost hostile. And Shinji had no idea what was going on.  
  
However, Kaworu seemed to understand and to not take offence. “Hm, fair point, Ayanami. A point that goes to you.”  
  
“Those kids,” Misato muttered and went to the refrigerator to get a beer. Shinji had long since given up on any variations of 'it's not even evening yet!'.  
  
“So... uh...” Shinji stuttered, unsure what to do now.  
  
“How to kick the evening off?” Kaworu specified what he wanted to ask.  
  
Misato stood at the refrigerator and opened her beer can. “Back in Germany, Asuka would demand to see the Christmas episodes of _Heinz Becker_ or _Ein Herz und eine Seele._ ” Shinji blinked at Misato suddenly speaking German, even if it was only a series title. “Every damn year.” She shrugged. “Tradition, I guess. But I doubt you'd get the humour. Hell, _I_ didn't.”  
  
“We can still watch _Dinner for One_ at New Year's Eve,” Kaworu suggested.  
  
Misato looked at him and started laughing. “Yeah, that humour is pretty universal. Good to see you didn't miss the _entire_ world around you.”  
  
Kaworu shrugged. “I understand that I missed a lot of what is commonly referred to as pop culture, yes.”  
  
“I mean, we could watch TV regardless,” Shinji suggested. “They do have Christmas programs here.”  
  
“All about romance and lovey-dovey stuff,” Misato muttered disapprovingly. She sighed. “Oh well, go watch then. I'll warm up dinner.”  
  
“Major Katsuragi is preparing the food?” Rei asked. It sounded like a normal factual question, as always spoken without any emotion at all, but...  
  
“Yes, I am,” Misato answered. “Why does everyone assume things will end in disaster as soon as I work in the kitchen?”  
  
Nobody dared answer before Rei spoke up again: “The Second Child would probably answer that this is the common outcome.”  
  
Shinji shortly burst out in laughter. He really had not expected _that_ from Rei. Nobody else laughed. Shinji looked down in embarrassment. He felt like an idiot. Yeah, it had been funny, but... _Asuka._ The mention of her had crashed the mood.  
  
“Well, go watch something,” she said softly. “I promise you, you can't screw up what I'm preparing.”  
  
Shinji still felt awful when the three children positioned themselves in front of the TV. That only began to change when suddenly another hand grabbed his. Kaworu, of course, who simply looked straight at the TV. Shinji felt the usual stages of his reaction: Surprise, embarrassment, though increasingly less of it every time, acceptance, enjoyment. Shinji wondered what that said about him, though he preferred not to think about that. He just appreciated that Kaworu always seemed to know when such physical contact would help.  
  
As it turned out, one _could_ trust Misato with that meal. It was simple enough, and most of it had been prepared the previous day already: Potato salad with Frankfurter sausages.  
  
“I was Asuka's guardian for three years in Germany, “ Misato explained. She sounded subdued, probably thinking of her. “That was what we ate at every Christmas Eve.”  
  
“Tradition,” Kaworu stated. Misato just nodded.  
  
Even though it looked like Misato hadn't messed up the meal, it still tasted strange. Potatoes were not exactly a main staple of Japanese cuisine; Shinji had never had much contact with them. Still, they had been drowned in enough mayonnaise and enough onion pieces had been mixed into the salad that the taste was weird, but acceptable.  
  
All four of them quickly washed their own dishes. It was time for the main event of the evening: The gifts.  
  
Misato grinned as they sat down at the kitchen table again. “I think you should start, Kaworu.”  
  
“That would probably be for the best,” the grey-haired boy agreed and stood up.  
  
“Huh?” Shinji voiced. He had no idea what they were talking about.  
  
Kaworu went into the living room. Or rather, judging by the continuing sound of footsteps, he went to the rooms beyond the living room. Eventually, he came back carrying a cardboard box open at the top. There were noises coming from inside that box...  
  
...tiny, complaining meowing.  
  
Kaworu put the box in front of Shinji and grabbed something inside it. He carefully took out a small, grey ball of fur... an adorable little kitten that he now carefully held in both his hands. The kitten looked kinda lost so far up in the air, and continued its meowing protests.  
  
“I talked about it with Ms Katsuragi,” Kaworu explained and put it on the table. “She said it would be okay to have a pet here.”  
  
Shinji's eyes were transfixed on the little creature now in front of him. It pressed itself against the outside of the box, as if wanting to hide. When it spotted Shinji observing it, it turned towards him, arched its back and hissed.  
  
 _It's frightened,_ Shinji realized. A young creature, suddenly thrust into an unknown big world full of dangers. He could sympathize. He carefully stretched out a finger towards the kitten. It batted at it with its paw. Shinji smiled. He didn't mind the attack. He would have been happy to have an outlet for all the confusion and anger he had felt upon coming to Tokyo-3...  
  
“I found her in the city,” Kaworu explained. “All alone. I brought her to a vet, but then didn't know what to do with her.” He paused. “I'm glad she'll have a chance at life now. Otherwise, it might have been necessary to put her out of her misery.”  
  
Shinji turned his head around to Kaworu and frowned. For once, Kaworu sounded very cynical, and Shinji didn't like that at all.  
  
The small kitten still looked frightened... until Rei gently pushed the box aside and touched her. Only slightly, ever so briefly, but suddenly the kitten mellowed out. She lay down on the table.  
  
Misato and Shinji looked at Rei in surprise.  
  
“It seems Ayanami has a way with... life,” Kaworu commented. “With all the life on Earth.”  
  
Rei just stared at him. Kaworu just smiled.  
  
“Well, now that's that taken care of,” Misato spoke up, still sounding somewhat confused. “That's why we locked down Asuka's room, by the way, Shinji. We have stored Kaworu's present in the storage room, and I assume you have yours in your room?”  
  
Everyone got up to get their presents. After they had all returned, there were eight gift-wrapped items on the table, ranging from well slightly above a metre to merely finger-sized.  
  
“That's for you, Shinji, that's for you, Rei, and this is yours, Kaworu,” Misato directed the pilots.  
  
“Ah, yeah. This is yours, Rei,” Shinji directed her gaze to the largest item, “and this is yours, Misato,” he pointed to the second smallest item, of merely hand size.  
  
“Seriously, Shinji?” Misato muttered.  
  
He shrugged. “Just see what's inside it.”  
  
And so Misato did indeed take that item. It was very small cardboard box, just so large enough to contain a photo and an even smaller box. Misato took out the photo first. She looked at it, stunned...  
  
...and then burst out laughing. She continued laughing for almost a minute, nearly dropping out of her chair, even while she showed it to the others. The kitten jerked up from its relaxed position and began climbing up the cardboard wall of her old box. While Misato was still laughing, Shinji, attentive to this adorable creature, gently picked it up and placed it inside again.  
  
To be more exact, Misato showed the photo to Rei. Shinji and Kaworu had made it, after all. It showed Shinji in short pants and a loose blouse, bending over while winking and making a victory sign. And yes, there was a lipstick kiss mark by him on the photo, and writing: “To Misato. Thanks for the great German Christmas idea. Merry Christmas!”  
  
...they hadn't quite gotten themselves to faithfully copy the original text, especially not the attention directing arrow to the chest. Otherwise, it was a pretty good reconstruction of the photocard Misato had sent him, way back when Shini had come to Toyko-3.  
  
She unpacked the smaller box next. Inside, there was a small model car... of a blue Renault Alpine. With a slightly loose wheel on the left front side and tiny pieces of band aids all over. Shinji had seen to those modifications.  
  
Misato laughed again. “Okay, that's well done, but jeez, do you really think I need a reminder of what happened to my poor car?”  
  
“Ah, actually... maybe... a reminder of how we met?” Shinji proposed sheepishly.  
  
Misato immediately got serious again. “Yeah. That works. Thank you, Shinji. That was very thoughtful of you!” She turned to Rei. “Now, let us see what big present your big brother got you.”  
  
Rei nodded and begun tearing open the loose wrapping around something that had to be big and kinda soft. Eventually, she stared blankly at a large teddy bear of circa one metre size. Just as expressionlessly, she looked towards Shinji for an explanation.  
  
He chuckled softly. “Well, to be honest, your hugs are still kinda awkward, little sister. So I thought I'd give you something to train with.”  
  
Rei looked at the teddy bear, then at Shinj, then at the teddy bear again... and then enclosed it in a big hug. “Thank you, big brother,” she said softly.  
  
Misato only partially managed to suppress a sound that sounded suspiciously like a soft squee.  
  
Rei still didn't let go of her teddy even when other presents were being unpacked. Shinji had gotten Kaworu a book about musical theory and a gift card from a music provider on the internet. Misato had bought two belts for Shinji – belts that were actually his size and wouldn't hang loosely from his pants. She also had gotten him a yearly subscription to the local cinema.  
  
“Actually,” she specified, “it's two of them. In case you want to take a nice girl out.” She winked exaggeratedly at him.  
  
 _A nice girl..._ Rei now was his sister, and Asuka... well... but maybe things would get better for her the next year. Or maybe Shinji would find a nice girl he didn't know yet... though he judged the chances of making contact with such a girl to be rather poor. _Besides, who knows if there'll be much of a 'next year'._ That feeling of impending doom still hadn't left him.  
  
“And for you two, I've gotten some books... uh... you can read German, can't you, Kaworu?” Misato asked. When the boy nodded, Misato breathed out in relief. “Well, that could've ruined that present. Not that it's much of one, I admit, but I kinda drew up a blank regarding you.”  
  
Shinji couldn't read what the book was about, so Kaworu explained it to him. It was a non-fiction account of Kaspar Hauser, an enigmatic foundling in 19th century Germany. At this, Shinji looked at Misato with a frown. Her face remained expressionless.  
  
The book she gave to Rei was just as symbolic: A richly illustrated Japanese translation of The Adventures of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi.  
  
“Thank you,” Rei, using her left arm to cling to the teddy bear, said. “Though I don't understand the reason.”  
  
“You should read it,” Kaworu prompted her. “The Major is right; you _are_ our Pinocchia.” He smiled. “I have a book for you as well.”  
  
He handed one of the two remaining gifts on the table to her. It was a non-fiction book as well, a large-ish pop-science account of evolution on Earth.  
  
Rei even let go of her teddy bear to hold it in both hands, looking strangely at the cover for a long time. Clearly, that book had some meaning to her, but Shinji couldn't see what.  
  
“A concession?” Rei finally asked. _Huh?_  
  
“Of sorts,” Kaworu answered.  
  
“Concession of what?” Misato asked.  
  
Kaworu flashed a smile at her. “I'm really sorry, Ms Katsuragi, but that is something private between Ayanami and me.”  
  
Misato raised an eyebrow. “Fine, keep your secrets.” She went to the kitchen counter where she had put her beer can and took a chug.  
  
“Rei,” the blue-haired girl spoke up softly. When everyone was looking at her, she specified: “You should call me Rei, Nagisa.”  
  
 _Oh._ That was the first time she had offered a first name basis to someone, not counting Shinji, as that had been something irregular. Shinji was glad to see it.  
  
“Very well, Rei,” Kaworu confirmed. “Call me Kaworu then.” Rei nodded, and and Kaworu turned towards Misato. “I _am_ sorry. But I'm sure you'll like my gift... eventually.” It was the last one of the table, the finger-sized one.  
  
“Why am I always getting the tiny ones,” Misato muttered as she went back to the table. “Have I been such a naughty girl this year?”  
  
“No comment,” Shinji said flatly.  
  
Misato shot a mock-angry glare at him and opened up the present. Inside, she discovered a data disk. She shot a surprised look at Kaworu who merely smiled.  
  
“You might want to take a look at it somewhere safe,” he suggested.  
  
Misato nodded gravely, and put the disk in a pocket. _Once again_ , Shinji was lost. Kaworu seemed to be full of hidden depths today... or well, _more so_ than usual.  
  
“I'm sorry, Major Katsuragi,” Rei spoke up softly now. Her book was now lying on the table, and she was back to half-hugging the teddy. “I didn't get anything for you.”  
  
Misato waved a hand dismissively. “Ah, that's alright. This is your first Christmas celebration, isn't it?” Rei nodded. “You can't expect to get everything right on the first try, after all. And, please... don't call me Major when we aren't on duty. In fact, call me Misato. You as well, Kaworu. Don't make me feel older than I am!”  
  
“Older?” Shinji muttered.  
  
“Fiiine!” Misato relented. “Don't make me feel as old as I am.” She harrumphed. It sounded surprisingly genuine, and not played.  
  
Kaworu just nodded. Rei answered, “I'll try... Misato.”  
  
“That's the spirit!” Misato exclaimed. “Now...”  
  
Rei's soft voice cut through hers. “I do have a present for Shinji and Kaworu.”  
  
“Oh?” Misato voiced. “Do go on then.”  
  
To everyone's surprise, Rei stepped onto her chair, and then onto the table, walking straight up to where Kaworu and Shinji were sitting.  
  
Shinji was looking up at her. “Uh... Rei...?”  
  
She got something out of her pocket, and held it over the two.  
  
...a plastic replica of a mistletoe. Misato burst out laughing.  
  
“You know, Rei, that's an American, not a German tradition,” she said. “Besides, I don't think...”  
  
She stopped short when she saw Kaworu and Shinji gazing intensely at each other. And Shinji blushing like all hell. He had heard of that custom. American movies and TV series had made sure of that.  
  
“Well, I'll be damned,” Misato muttered. “So much for finding a nice girl.” It sounded amused.  
  
Shinji was sweating profoundly now. What the hell was his sister thinking? Okay, maybe he kinda, sorta had thought about Kaworu in _that_ way, but actually kissing him? He still associated 'girls' with 'kissing'. Well, sorta. Still, it would be inappropriate to do that with Kaworu, wouldn't it be? And also, he had no idea what _Kaworu_ was thinking about it all!  
  
“Ah... ah...” he stuttered. “I'm sorry, Kaworu. Of course, we don't need...”  
  
Kaworu just smiled. “Do you want to kiss me, Shinji?”  
  
Did he? _Well... yeah._ He did. To kiss him, to hold him, to be held. He... kinda did. And with the issue reduced to that question, well...  
  
He nodded dumbly.  
  
Kaworu carefully leaned forwards, his face coming closer to Shinji's. It reminded Shinji of the one kiss attempt with Asuka. A wave of panic briefly reached him upon that realization...  
  
...then Kaworu's lips touched his. And it was good. No nose pinching, no complaining, but an incredible feeling of closeness, of intimacy, of touch. It still was kinda awkward... this was his first _real_ kiss after all, and probably Kaworu's as well, so neither really had an idea what they were doing. But it was the thought that counted, the meaning. And Shinji delighted in that meaning. Spontaneously, he threw and arm around Kaworu's shoulders.  
  
He had found someone who loved him. Who loved him _like that_. And whom... yes, whom _he_ loved. He hadn't just been _close_ to Kaworu, as he had thought. Of course this combination of closeness, good will and physical desire was love. Why hadn't he seen that?  
  
He had been afraid, of course. But now it turned out there was no reason for it at all. Kaworu loved him. And kissing Kaworu felt so good.  
  
It was Kawou who broke the kiss, slowly withdrawing from Shinji's face. Smiling again, of course. And... was that a _blush_ on his face? Ever so slight, of course, but that was unheard of from Kaworu. Did Shinji have that effect on him? Shinji was stunned.  
  
Shinji looked up at Rei, who was still standing there and holding her mistletoe replica. “Thank you, little sister,” he said softly.  
  
“Yes,” Kaworu agreed. “Thank you, Rei."  
  
Rei nodded, bent her knees, laid the replica on the table, and then climbed off the table again, back to her teddy bear. Meanwhile, Shinji was still flushed from the kiss and unsure what to do now, uncomfortably shifting from looking at Kaworu, to sitting straight at at the table again, to turning back to Kaworu. Finally, the grey-haired boy solved that dilemma by simply taking and holding Shinji's hand. Shinji smiled and turned his attention back to the table.  
  
“I admit, that was... unexpected,” Misato commented, and added softly, “But I'm happy for you, Shinji.” She breathed out. “Happy...” Suddenly, tears began rolling from her eyes.  
  
“Mi... Misato?” Shinji asked.  
  
“Gods damn it!” Misato cursed and sniffled. The tears intensified. She balled her hands into fists and pounded them on the table. There was a fearful 'meow' coming from the cardboard box. “It's just...” She shook her head. “It's nothing I have to bother you kids with. It's... it's...” She collapsed on the table, crying.  
  
 _Oh, fuck._ Shinji had no idea what to do now. No idea what was _wrong_. He didn't like seeing Misato that way, but he had no idea how he could help. He simply was frozen in... yes, in fear, like a deer in the headlights.  
  
Rei stood up from her seat, right next to Misato's, and walked up to the Major. There, she silently laid her arms around Misato's back.  
  
Shinji and Kaworu still didn't react, while Misato continued crying. Finally, after a minute or two, she had herself under enough control to ask sniffling: “You, Rei?”  
  
“Shinji is my brother,” Rei explained. “And you are evidently a sort of family to him. That makes you family to me as well.”  
  
Misato chuckled sadly at that, only to fall into crying again. Shinji smiled sadly. _Family..._ Yes, Misato was kind of family, wasn't she? He stood up from his seat as well, and approached Misato from the other side, finally also laying his arms around her back.  
  
“What is it, Misato?” Kaworu asked softly from his place.  
  
The Major had her head on her arms and now shook it slightly. “Everything! The world is crumbling down around us... I'm losing everyone... Asuka, my old friend Ritsuko, and... and... and...” The crying intensified. “I have nob... nearly nobody left.”  
  
“ _Nearly_ nobody,” Rei confirmed blankly.  
  
A soft chuckle rippled through Misato's body, but she was still crying.  
  
“We're here, “ Shinji confirmed. “And we're... family.” Yeah. They were that.  
  
“But I couldn't even protect that family!” Misato complained tearfully. “I always sent you and Asuka and Rei out to fight... out to suffer... out to die. And Rei did die and Asuka's mind was violated and now she's in catatonia... all because of me.”  
  
Shinji had no answer to that. But Rei did. “If you hadn't done it, someone else would have. It's the angels' fault. Somebody has to stop them. We had to. If we hadn't been directed by you, it would have been by someone else.”  
  
Shinji nodded. “Maybe someone less caring than you. Maybe someone like my... like the Commander.” Misato was family. Rei was. Gendo Ikari wasn't.  
  
“It'd be hard for someone to fuck up as much as I have,” Misato insisted.  
  
“It's just... it's that war,” Shinji disagreed sadly. _That gods-damned war._ He wondered if it would ever end. Wondered how many people, how many souls it would continue to grind into dust.  
  
“You shouldn't be comforting me,” Misato muttered, though she was becoming calmer. “You bear the brunt of that war. I should comfort you. And yet, here I am. Pathetic.”  
  
“Human,” Rei disagreed.  
  
“Come on, Misato,” Shinji said. “Christmas isn't over yet. We can... yes, we can visit Asuka tomorrow. All of us together, in the hospital. Your NERV ID should get us through all the red tape. She isn't dead yet, you know? She can recover.”  
  
Misato looked up to him with a tearful, sad smile. “You're a good boy, you know that, Shinji? Yes, we can go visit Asuka.”  
  
Shinji looked over to Rei, and took a hold of her arm. “We're a good _family_.” He looked at Kaworu and nodded him over. Hesitantly, the grey-haired boy approached.  
  
Finally, he joined the group hug on Shinji's side.

 


	2. Zwischen den Jahren

There had been no Christmas miracle at Asuka’s bedside.  
  
Not that Misato had really expected any. But just sitting there in that hospital room, it had made her feel helpless. She had buried what had happened with Asuka for so long… under her own grief, under the necessities of the war, under her own cowardice… and being confronted with it had been uncomfortable. She had done that to her. After all, she had sent her out to fight.  
  
And yet, the visit hadn’t been for nothing. Asuka hadn’t awoken, and Misato had been confronted with her guilt, but there had been such a… harmony among everyone who had gone to that hospital room. Everyone had wanted just the best for Asuka. Even Rei, who Misato had only ever experienced as cold and distanced. Even Kaworu, who at times seemed just as enigmatic as Rei and who had never even met Asuka. They all just wished Asuka would get better. The feeling of goodwill had been almost tangible in the hospital room.  
  
Maybe Misato was in fact responsible for Asuka’s state. But she wouldn’t have to bear her grief alone. They _all_ wished Asuka back.  
  
They had returned from the hospital half an hour ago. Misato and Shinji had been accompanied to their apartment by both Rei and Kaworu. Misato’s grief and guilt about ‘her’ children was lessened a bit when she saw these relationships Shinji had formed – now, when everything had seemed to be spiralling down. Misato had not expected that. She was pleasantly surprised to see Shinji was at least not alone. She was glad he had found someone, someone just for him. If Kaworu was making him happy, then she would most definitely not stand in the way of that.  
  
And as for Rei…  
  
_...how does one talk to a clone which one has seen dissolving in a tank several dozen times over?_  
  
Misato was sitting opposite of Rei at her kitchen table and felt a bit awkward. After Ritsuko had showed her just what Rei was, she had at first not really engaged that truth. Rei simply had still been the First Child, a possible reserve pilot for EVA-01 even after the destruction of EVA-00. As so often, Misato had had professional considerations block out all personal feelings. But now that she had to confront these feelings…. _No wonder Shinji was so awkward around her._  
  
However, as if the Christmas celebration had turned a switch, Shinji wasn’t anymore. He had seemed entirely comfortable with Rei on the hospital trip. He truly seemed to see her as his little sister now. As family. _Not a clone. Family._ It was an odd thought, but also an encouraging one. _If even they, despite everything can form a family bond…_  
  
Of course, that still didn’t help Misato with her current problem. She still had no idea what to say to Rei right now. She refrained from mentally cursing Shinji for having abandoned her here. He had gone into his room together with Kaworu and Misato could understand that. _Hell, he has been far too repressed all this time anyway. Always so serious, always so prim and proper and dutiful._ It was good if he could also experience something else for a change.  
  
“So, Rei… uh… what do you do these days?” Misato awkwardly tried to get a conversation going.  
  
“I stay at home,” was Rei’s monotonous answer. _Of course._ Misato felt sad again. _What have Ritsuko and the Commander done to her?_ But then, after a pause, Rei spoke on. “Not as much as before. I take walks in the city. I watch the new lake. I contemplate matters.”  
  
Misato smiled faintly. “Matters?”  
  
“Myself,” Rei specified immediately. And then, after a small pause: “My brother.”  
  
Misato was kinda touched how by now Rei was saying ‘my brother’ and Shinji ‘my sister’ without any awkwardness or hesitation.  
  
She heard a loud giggling from down the corridor, and then a single moan. She focused on Rei again… but found she again didn’t know what to say.  
  
Instead, Rei spoke up again. “I am happy for my brother.”  
  
“I just hope he knows what he’s doing,” Misato muttered.  
  
“It’s a new feeling,” Rei continued as if totally ignoring that comment. “Happiness for someone else.”  
  
“It’s a good feeling to have, if one can...” Misato commented.  
  
Rei didn’t reply to this. For as long as Misato had known her, the blue-haired girl had always simply remained silent if there was nothing to say. And now that Misato knew the truth about her, that really was little wonder to her. _I should have seen that…_ but she had always been too wrapped up in her own issues and problems.  
  
Thus, another awkward silence ensued. Rei sat on her chair with a rigid posture, looked straight ahead and said nothing. She seemed to have no problems with the silence and the inactivity. She never had, another thing Misato should have noted. _Ritsuko…_ She had to speak to her old friend. But that was a prospect she wasn’t looking forward to.  
  
She heard more suspicious sounds from down the corridor. She considered going to there and at least _knocking_ on Shinji’s door. It was two fourteen-year-old boys in that room, after all. But she had no idea what she could say then. She didn’t think a joke would cut it, and she didn’t know how to tell Shinji to be careful in a serious manner. She felt conflicted.  
  
Fortunately, she didn’t need to go. A door was opened, and a moment later, Shinji and Kaworu entered the kitchen. They looked a bit disheveled, but their clothes were sitting correctly. Misato could just silently pray that nothing serious had happened. The two were still holding hands, and both of them were smiling. Shinji’s smile looked quite silly, and in happier times Misato might have made fun of it. Kaworu, though, managed to look dignified and slightly enigmatic even under these circumstances.  
  
“We… uh… we were wondering… well, it’s soon time for dinner, isn’t it?” Shinji managed to form a halfway coherent sentence. “Rei, will you be staying for it?”  
  
“If you’re okay with it,” Rei answered.  
  
“I’d be happy,” Shinji assured her. “I should get started with it then.”  
  
Misato raised an eyebrow. Now she was genuinely amused… a feeling she had nearly gotten unused to. “So enthusiastic.”  
  
Shinji’s head got red. “Well, uh… well...” And he just walked over to the cupboards and began taking ingredients out.

* * *

  
Misato rubbed her eyes. It had been a long day. It was just typical for NERV to hold a synch-test just one day after Christmas. Ibuki had been apologetic about it in a way Ritsuko would never have been, but she had explained that after the holidays, a synch-test was needed now.  
  
At least now, the pilots were able to go through such tests in a spirit of togetherness. As siblings or as partners. It was another unexpectedly positive development in these trying times. Though all three had been careful. Shinji and Rei had called each other only by names, and Shinji and Kaworu had refrained from public displays of affection… though this had made Shinji look at Kaworu like a lost puppy at times. Misato hoped that nobody else had noticed.  
  
The test itself had been… _weird._ Ibuki had been almost frantic about the data on her screen. Apparently, there was something peculiar about the way Kaworu was synching. This had not been the first test where he had shown that behaviour; but the last time Ritsuko had blocked all questions about the topic. Ibuki had been much more open now… but she also had far less expertise than Ritsuko. She was more willing to explain matters, but less able to. The only thing Misato had understood was that, _somehow_ , Kaworu was able to set his synch-rate at will. Nobody had any explanation for how he could be doing this. It didn’t fit into any model of synchronization.  
  
Maybe Misato should have gone to Ritsuko’s cell and asked her about Kaworu. _I should have._ But if she asked her about that, then she would also have to ask her about a dozen other things. About Rei, about Ritsuko herself, about what she had been doing… and those were revelations that Misato feared. A part of her actively didn’t want to know. She didn’t think her friendship to Ritsuko, or rather that tiny part of it that still existed, could survive that strain.  
  
So she had found a good reason to just go home for now. After all, if she were to confront Ritsuko, she should be as informed as possible already. She needed at least a basic understanding of what was going on. And as it so happened, there still was the data chip from Kaworu, his Christmas gift to her, back home. So it was easy to justify to herself to first go home and look at that chip, before she could talk to Ritsuko.  
  
The data on it was unsorted and chaotic, something Misato had more or less expected. For all that he had an enigmatic aura, Kaworu was after all just a fourteen-year-old boy. Whatever important information he had, expecting it to be presented in a professional or semi-professional manner would have been too much. Instead, Misato found a wild mix of quotes, references to news events, explanations by Kaworu, scanned drawings. And they all pointed towards a single organization: SEELE.  
  
_SEELE…_  
  
They had been mentioned in Kaji’s files as well. The organization that _truly_ was behind NERV. Not the U.N., though SEELE apparently used the U.N. bureaucracy and armed forces as their powerbase. However, Kaji’s file hadn’t been able to tell much more. _Kaworu’s_ files filled in the gaps.  
  
And it all fit together so well: Kaji’s files, Kaworu’s disk, the data Misato had been able to get from the MAGI, Hyuga’s ongoing investigation results. It all formed a terrible picture of a religious cult which had deliberately instigated Second Impact and was planning Third Impact now.  
  
_They had to. They had to start Second Impact. Had to disable Adam. Or the angels would have attacked fifteen years earlier. But…_  
  
… _.Father._ They had sent her father to do their dirty work. Misato felt numb. Once again numb, just like she had been after learning about Kaji’s fate.  
  
She used that numbness to her advantage. This was not the time for personal feelings. Time and time again she had sent the kids into battle without displaying any emotions whatsoever; she had then just been the Major. She could turn the same hardness, the same professionalism, on herself, sweeping away all personal feelings in order to get the job done. She worked throughout the night, ordering the files, correlating them with the data she already had, forming an easily accessible archive. With everything put together, a very clear picture emerged.  
  
Just one question remained unanswered: Who was Kaworu Nagisa?

* * *

  
Only half of Tokyo-3 was still standing. And in large parts of that half it was a ghost town.  
  
Looking back, it seemed that for months the people of the city had simply denied what had been happening right in front of them. Giant alien abominations had been attacking every second week, and the people had still simply gone on with their lives as if nothing had been out of the ordinary. Sure, there had been a notable decline of the population, but most people had stayed right in what had become a war zone. The reality of the angel attacks had been ignored, and what the EVA pilots were doing to save them all had been ignored.  
  
This just wasn’t feasible anymore after half the city had been destroyed. Now, Tokyo-3 didn’t even have enough people left to fully populate the remaining half.  
  
And yet it seemed the remaining population had retreated only ever deeper into delusions of normalcy. For such a low remaining population, the pedestrian area Rei, Kaworu and Shinji were walking through was quite populated. People were strolling through it, shopping, laughing.  
  
_Fake. It’s all fake._ The laughs were a little too loud, and the strolls often interrupted by sudden looks over one’s shoulder. The city _desperately_ wished everything were okay, but it wasn’t.  
  
Shinji’s morose thoughts were interrupted when he felt Kaworu take his hand. Shinji looked up in surprise. Sure, walking hand-in-hand was what couples were doing, but… _But… we are.. well…_  
  
Maybe he was imagining things, but he immediately felt the gaze of other people on him. Disapproving looks, whispers, rejection. He withdrew his hand and looked at Kaworu, ashamed. The grey-haired boy, however, merely smiled at him. _He understands._ As he always seemed to.  
  
A surge of emotion came over Shinji. He _loved_ Kaworu. _Because_ he always understood, because he was always friendly, because he was… Kaworu. And these other people, what had they ever done for him? They had always just ignored that he had saved them time and time again. Now he could ignore their discomfort in turn. Kaworu was the _one good thing_ that had happened to him in these times, after he had thought Rei lost and after he had in fact lost Asuka. He would not give up on that. He _couldn’t._ He had never been a guy who could simply disregard what others were thinking, the way Rei did or the way Asuka had often seemed to. However, he was certain Kaworu was his only hope. He _couldn’t_ give up on that.  
  
He took Kaworu’s hand again. Kaworu’s head turned around. Shinji chuckled: For once, he had made the grey-haired boy look surprised. Then the Fifth Child’s face blossomed into a wide smile, and the two went on hand-in-hand. When Shinji looked at Rei, he saw her nod, as if in approval.  
  
And Shinji had to admit to himself it just felt _good._ To just walk through the city, his, well, his _boyfriend_ at his side. To be close to him without worries, to not hide that affection, and to feel like just a normal teenager for at least one day. No thoughts of piloting EVA or fighting angels or Asuka in a coma; just him and Kaworu, accompanied by his sister. Shinj smiled dumbly when Kaworu stopped to look at a shop window. He didn’t even pay attention to the world around him, he was just enjoying the situation.  
  
Of course, this was him building up a delusion of his own.  
  
He fell out of it when he noticed how some people were not just giving him and Kaworu passing disapproving glances. Two people, gentlemen in their fifties wearing immaculate business suits, had stopped and were now looking directly at the pair. Shinji looked down. He felt like he was a failure once again, had disregarded people’s expectations for the sake of his own happiness. He knew this was silly, knew that it wasn’t like he was hurting those people, but he couldn’t avoid those emotions.  
  
Kaworu gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. And Rei… Rei walked forward, right up to the two gentlemen, between them and Kaworu and Shinji. And she just stood there, unmoving, and stared at them. Finally, the two moved on.  
  
Rei returned to her brother and Kaworu. Shinji sighed. “Thank you, but… that wasn’t necessary.”  
  
“It was,” Rei said firmly. “They were distressing my brother.”  
  
“Oh…” Shinji voiced.  
  
Kaworu, once again, smiled. “Shall we go on?” Neither he nor Shinji had let go of each other’s hand.  
  
They continued, but the atmosphere Shinji had felt before didn’t return. He couldn’t build up that fantasy again. He _wasn’t_ a normal teenager, and while Rei was his sister and Kaworu his boyfriend and he doubted neither of those things, he also know both these things would come with complications.  
  
But as he felt the touch of Kaworu’s hand, he just _knew_ these relationships were worth them. This time, he didn’t need to tell himself not to run away. It wasn’t even on his mind.

* * *

  
_Only two more days left in this year. Who knows, maybe we’ll make it to the end of it after all._  
  
Misato had just watched another synch-test, which had gone pretty much exactly like the one before: Rei being able to synch with EVA-01, but not as well as Shinji, Shinji doing well but pining for Kaworu, and Kaworu’s synch-rates making no sense at all. It was clear that Ibuki would not be able to solve this mystery. Misato would have to take a chance.  
  
As now third in command of NERV Headquarters, it was absolutely her prerogative to see NERV’s prisoners, or rather, at the moment, NERV’s one sole prisoner. Usually, the organization let the regular police handle any cases of regular crime. It was only traitors, enemy agents and saboteurs it imprisoned itself.  
  
People like Ritsuko.  
  
With a stony mask on her face, Misato entered… and stopped inside.  
  
“What a surprise to see you here,” Ritsuko told her. It sounded curt and hollow. She was sitting on a chair, facing away from her, yet seemed to have no trouble discerning who had entered the cell. The walls were barren metal, with a giant NERV insignia nearly fully covering an entire side.  
  
Misato was about to simply ask her about Kaworu, to simply get it done. She just _couldn’t_ speak with her old friend now; she had to speak with the former head of Project E. She had a _job_ to do. However… in recent days she had wondered too much about Ritsuko herself. Whenever she had watched Rei, whenever Rei had told about herself…  
  
_...how could you have done this, Ritsuko?_  
  
So for now, Misato asked, “How are you?” It sounded just as curt as Ritsuko had been. A sentence played in her memory - “ _The life of the pilot isn’t our concern.”_  
  
“What do you think?” Ritsuko asked her, still not facing her. It sounded depressed. “As the old phrase goes...” She switched to English. “ ‘ _What you see is what you get’_.”  
  
Misato didn’t know what to say to that. So instead she abruptly turned to business. “Ritsuko. Who is the Fifth Child?”  
  
“Everything we say here is monitored,” Ritsuko warned her.  
  
“I don’t care,” Misato answered. Whatever Ritsuko knew, it was hard to imagine Ikari and Fuyutsuki were not also in the know, and Kaworu had acted strange enough that such a question from the Operations Director had to have been expected by them.  
  
“The Fifth Child...” Ritsuko echoed. She looked deep down on the ground, making quite a hunchback on her chair. “He is probably the last angel.”  
  
“The last...” Misato whispered. “But he’s a pilot!”  
  
“I think that enables him to be a pilot,” Ritsuko stated matter-of-factly.  
  
_The weird synch-rates…_ It made some amount of sense. A _terrible_ sense, of course, but that’s how it was. _Oh gods! Shinji!_ As if the boy hadn’t suffered enough already, now he had become a victim of the angels once again. And yet… _He seemed happy with him._ But that was an illusion. Kaworu was an angel. The enemy. Still, she would have to break this gently to him. And maybe there was still time. Maybe she didn’t need to abruptly pull Shinji away from Kaworu. The boy really had suffered enough already.  
  
Without saying good-bye, Misato turned around to leave the cell, ready to confront the problem. But then she stopped in the entrance. She had to take care of Shinji… and of his sister.  
  
The two women were now back to back. And yet Misato asked, “What about Rei?”  
  
“What about her?” Ritsuko answered.  
  
Misato turned around. “You kept her as a lab rat for years. As a tool to use. Somewhere deep down and dark in the Geofront.” Misato and Shinji were family. And Rei was Shinji’s sister. She hence had to be family as well. Ritsuko didn’t answer, so after a while, Misato continued. “You were the one who _maintained_ her for years. You saw what she is like. What you people _made_ her.”  
  
“ _Rei_ was made in the first place,” Ritsuko argued hollowly. “Ikari and Fuyutsuki did that. I had nothing to do with it.”  
  
“But you saw what they had done, and then you took over their work,” Misato accused her.  
  
“Yes, I did,” Ritsuko answered. Slowly and unelegantly, Ritsuko rose from her chair, as if fighting against tons of weight on her shoulder. Then she turned to face Misato. “I maintained the Evangelions. I maintained Ikari’s little doll. We needed both.” She paused. “No. _He_ did.”  
  
“And you just followed,” Misato concluded. Ritsuko didn’t answer to that, just stood there like a statue. “Rei isn’t just a tool.”  
  
“You aren’t an expert in Metaphysical Biology. You see a simulacrum trying to act as a person, the surface of it, and conclude it must be a person.” Ritsuko now sounded like she was giving a lecture, if a lecture by a very uninterested and depressed teacher. “I have studied how Rei came to be – how she was _manufactured._ And it was me who had to keep this body together – a mechanism that was never meant to be. That she can even only display those few emotions that have fooled you is due to my care.”  
  
“Right now, Rei seems more like a person to me than you,” Misato stated flatly. Then she tried one more time. “Seeing Rei all these years… did you never have a bad conscience?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Ritsuko answered.  
  
“You don’t know,” Misato echoed.  
  
“All these years, I was never happy,” Ritsuko told her. “Ikari fooled me.”  
  
“That isn’t the question I asked,” Misato said. “I asked you about your conscience, not your happiness. Don’t make this all about you.”  
  
“And you’re so different?” Ritsuko argued. “Why else did you send out those children to fight and suffer? It wasn’t for the defence of Earth. You made it all about yourself, too – it was for your personal revenge against the angels.”  
  
Misato looked down and balled her hands into fists. “Maybe. Maybe you’re right and I’m a terrible woman as well. So if you regret what you’ve done, I can’t judge you. But do you?”  
  
Now Ritsuko was looking down as well. “Yes. I have been a fool.”  
  
Misato looked up and shook her head. “No. Not regrets about your personal happiness. Regrets about what you have done to Rei.”  
  
Again, Ritsuko just stood there statue-like. She didn’t say a word, didn’t move, didn’t display any emotions. Misato just watched, ready for the scientist to give her a reply, any sort of reply. There was none.  
  
Finally, that was answer enough for Misato. "This place is still too good for you, Akagi. Rot in hell." She turned around and left.

* * *

  
Shinji looked glumly outside the window of the driving car. The Tokyo-3 lake was directly to the right of him. The road they were driving on had been provisionally fortified, so that it wouldn’t crumble into the new body of water. Constructs of steel and concrete still rose from the lake at its edges, the remnants of former buildings. The mark of Shinji’s failure to protect the city.  
  
_So many people died. We could die as well._ The lake was a constant reminder of that. It was a terrible place. Shinji wished he could escape it, but he still had to pilot EVA. _I mustn’t run away._ He had been a coward all his life, after all. That was one reason half the city had been destroyed.  
  
He wished Kaworu were with him. His presence would have been comforting. Kaworu couldn’t make all those terrible things go away, but he allowed Shinji to also think about other things… or when they kissed, to not think at all. He felt _safe_ with Kaworu around. However, unexpectedly, Misato had told Shinji they’d go home without Kaworu or Rei.  
  
They made a stop at a supermarket. Shinji just silently walked between the shelves and almost mechanically picked out what they needed. _Misato never cares for this stuff._ But Shinji didn’t really mind. It gave him a job. Something he was needed for.  
  
He remained quiet on the way to the apartment. It was strange how he was already missing Kaworu. It was true that they didn’t have much of a chance at speaking with each other during the synch-test, but they had been to the city only two days ago, and had seen each other the previous day. And yet… Shinji had so looked forwards to spending time with him after the synch-test. _It’s probably because without him, everything would fall apart._ Yes, he had Rei now and he had Misato, but without Kaworu he would never have been able to build up that precious relationship with Rei, and matters with Misato had only tentatively been on the mend since the Christmas party.  
  
And besides, Shinji just liked _looking_ at Kaworu and feeling secure, talking with him, holding hands… he blushed slightly. It was okay, wasn’t it? Kaworu was his boyfriend after all. It was maybe a bit unusual for two boys to be in a relationship, but sometimes it happened. Misato seemed to have no problem with it, and his sister even seemed to be outright protective of the relationship, and those were the only two people who mattered to him right now besides Kaworu.  
  
_Not quite. There’s also Asuka… if she wakes up…_ The redhead had made it amply clear she wanted to have nothing to do with Shinji, despite Shinji’s earlier hopes that she could like him. However, before that coma had claimed her, she had taken offence at just about everything. Shinji worried that this might be the case again once she woke up. And Kaworu had been her replacement after all; a thought she was sure to hate. The thought of Asuka shouting at Kaworu filled Shinji with sadness. He wanted Asuka back in his life, but he also didn’t want to lose Kaworu. _Well, it can’t be helped, I suppose… it will happen as it will happen.  
  
And who knows if Asuka will wake up again at all? Who knows if we will all even survive the next angel attack?_ The future was dark and uncertain, and it was uncertain if there even _was_ a future.  
  
Shinji now really wished he could see Kaworu.  
  
“Ah… Misato,” he spoke up as they were both leaving the car and taking the grocery bags.  
  
“Yes, Shinji?” the Major replied.  
  
“It’s… just… Kaworu and I talked during… uh… during the shower.” Shinji’s face reddened.  
  
Surprisingly, there was no amused response from Misato. “I see.”  
  
“He had the idea… if we can’t spend time together now…” Shinji stammered. “Well, I wanted to ask if I could go to his apartment this evening. For a sleepover.”  
  
Misato froze mid-movement. Then she simply hurried up the stairs to their apartment without a further comment.  
  
Once inside, Shinji tried again. “Uh… Misato?”  
  
The woman was just storing groceries in the fridge. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Shinji.”  
  
“We… we just want to spend time together,” Shinji went on. “It’s not like… hm.” He suddenly realized what it could look like. That truly had never been his intention.  
  
Misato stopped her work. “I trust you, Shinji.” She paused. Then she closed the fridge door and looked at him. “But I still don’t think you should do this.”  
  
“Why not?” Shinji asked. _What does she mean?_  
  
Misato paused. She looked uncomfortable. “I know Kaworu makes you happy. That’s good. But maybe you two should… take it easy.”  
  
“Take it easy…?” Shinji echoed.  
  
“You don’t need to spend every hour of the day together, you know,” Misato suggested.  
  
“I suppose,” Shinji admitted. “But… I just feel so much calmer when he’s around. When he isn’t, I… I...” _When he isn’t around, I don’t know if I have a future at all._  
  
Misato’s body seemed to go rigid. “I see,” she whispered. After a pause, she was speaking more forcefully again. “But Shinji… that doesn’t mean you need to spend the nights together with him.”  
  
“Not regularly,” Shinji defended himself. _Spend the night together…_ He had just thought of it as a sleepover. As spending time with the person he loved. “Just… this one night.”  
  
“Even so… it isn’t something you should do,” Misato stated. She tried to sound authoritative, but failed at it.  
  
_She can’t even tell me why she doesn’t want me to go._ Shinji began getting annoyed. “But why not?”  
  
“It just isn’t something I’m comfortable with,” Misato said.  
  
Shinji was surprised. He wouldn’t have expected such an attitude from Misato of all people. Misato, who after the death of Rei had come into his room and… He balled his hands into fists. _Hypocrite! Misato is a hypocrite!_  
  
“And… and what makes you uncomfortable?” Shinji asked. It was difficult. It was a topic he just _couldn’t_ talk about.  
  
Misato didn’t answer. She just held her right elbow in her left hand.  
  
_So it is like that. You come into my room to… to… but when I just want to spend the night with Kaworu…_  
  
Without another word, Shinji turned around and stormed into his room.  
  
Shinji didn’t come out for dinner, even though it was his turn to make it. Misato knocked at his door once, asking him whether he would do so. Shinji didn’t respond, and Misato didn’t ask again. Shinji just lay on his bed and listened to his SDAT player. Kaworu wasn’t here, and the music was the only thing he had which could block out the world. That tape that would always grant him a measure of security with its familiarity. He had always listened to that music; it was stability.  
  
_Am I bad at dealing with change?  
  
...no. No, that isn’t it. _ Kaworu had been an enormous change in his life. And Rei being his sister, that as well. Yet, he liked those changes and longed to experience more of that kind. It was just that his default expectation for change was change for the worse. His life with his tutor had been boring and grey, and nobody had paid attention to him, but it hadn’t been so bad, all things considered. And when a change to it had come, it was him being called to Tokyo-3 and having to pilot. He got used to that. Then he became a regular pilot, entering life and death battles every second week and then going back to school the next day as if nothing had happened. He got used to that. Then Asuka moved in and he had to adapt to her. He got used to that. Then Touji died, he was bodyless for a month and afterwards Asuka spiralled into depression and coma. He got used to that all. He got used to everything, and every change just always made things worse.  
  
At least the music on his SDAT tape always stayed the same. It had become stale and repetitive, but at least it wasn’t getting worse. And it was a connection to when things hadn’t been _quite_ as bad.  
  
But there was only so much it could do.  
  
He woke up shortly after midnight. He realized he must have fallen asleep while listening to the SDAT player. That happened sometimes – Shinji feeling so down and low on energy that he just slept. He stood up and carefully opened his door. The lights seemed to be out all over the apartment. He quietly walked up to Misato’s room. Snoring came form the inside.  
  
Shinji walked back into his room, grabbed a light jacket and left the apartment.  
  
Train connections were spotty to non-existent at this hour of the day, so Shinji had to walk. He didn’t mind, though. He’d rather have walked ten kilometres to Kaworu than stay in Misato’s apartment and do nothing. There at least was a purpose to his effort. He would see Kaworu. _Soon._ A drowning man swimming towards floatsam…  
  
He was nervous when he stood in front of the door to Kaworu’s apartment. Not because he doubted the grey-haired boy. He knew Kaworu would understand. But emotionally, there was just so much hinging on this. _Only Kaworu can make me feel safe…_  
  
He rang the bell, and a few moments later, the door opened. Kaworu stood there in shorts and a shirt and looked sleepy. Shinji immediately stepped forwards and grabbed Kaworu in an embrace, burying his face into his neck. Kaworu’s body stiffened in surprise, but only for a moment. Then he laid an arm around Shinji, and the other on Shinji’s head. He slowly began to stroke his hair.  
  
Kaworu understood. And he didn’t judge, didn’t even question. He was just there for Shinji. It was just as Shinji had expected, but that was exactly what he had needed now. He clung to his boyfriend desperately. Kaworu didn’t say anything, just let Shinji calm down. _How did I ever deserve somebody like him?_  
  
Finally, Shinji breathed out. “Thank you, Kaworu.”  
  
Kaworu took a step back, laid a hand under Shinji’s chin and gently raised it up, so that the two could look each other in the eyes. He smiled. “I was quite surprised to see you at this time. Do you want to come in?”  
  
“Kaworu...” was all Shinji replied. He was too overwhelmed by the tenderness and care the grey-haired boy had shown, didn’t know what he could say once inside and was generally just in emotional turmoil.  
  
Kaworu bent down and gently led Shinji’s face to his.  
  
While it was still a thought that hit him, Shinji didn’t care that he was standing outside, kissing his boyfriend. He was completely past caring about this. All that mattered was the comfort Kaworu provided. All that mattered was _Kaworu._ It was not an attitude that came easily to him, but after everything that had happened… him fighting alien monsters, Touji’s death, being without a body for a month and then coming back, Asuka’s coma, Rei’s death… he needed that comfort no matter what.  
  
And Kaworu was just so gentle, just so caring, just so _good_ to him. It was easy to love him. He could and did love him without restraint, without fear, without the complications that had always been at the core of all his other relationships. Meeting Kaworu truly was the best thing that had ever happened to him.  
  
After the kiss, Kaworu took Shinji’s hand and led him inside. His apartment looked rather similar to Rei’s, but in a much better and cleaner state. The walls had proper panels and weren’t just bare concrete, the small kitchen counter in the entrance corridor looked new and shiny, and the bedroom at the end of the corridor was small, but properly furnished.  
  
Kaworu gestured him to sit on the single chair in the bedroom, which stood at a desk. With that desk, the bed and a wardrobe inside the room, it was actually kinda cramped. “Do you want a tea? This could make it easier to tell me what happened.”  
  
Shinji blushed. It was like Kaworu was looking right through him. “Ah… yes, thanks.”  
  
Kaworu weant to heat up water and get out the tea. After a while, Shinji spoke up without looking at him. “Ah… sorry for having disturbed you so late in the night.”  
  
“It’s no problem,” Kaworu reassured him. “I don’t need much sleep. Sometimes I don’t sleep at all.”  
  
Shinji jerked his head around to look at him in the corridor. “Really?”  
  
“I have other power sources,” Kaworu told him.  
  
After a few minutes, he came to the bedroom, put a mug of tea on the desk in front of Shinji, and sat down on the bed with another mug in his hands. He smiled at Shinji.  
  
“So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your presence?” he asked.  
  
_The pleasure of MY presence?_ Surely it was exactly the other way around. “It’s… Misato. We… argued.” Shinji was mumbling. He felt ashamed. Misato was his guardian, after all.  
  
“Argued?” Kaworu prompted him gently.  
  
“About you,” Shinji said bluntly. He feared it was too blunt.  
  
But instead, Kaworu apologized. “I’m sorry then. Do you want to tell me what happened?”  
  
And so Shinji did. About their plans for a sleepover, about Misato’s objections, and about Shinji getting irritated at her. Then Kaworu asked why he had gotten so irritated, and Shinji hesitated. Finally, slowly, he began to tell him about that incident after the Armisael battle. Kaworu came over to him, knelt beside him, and held a hand on his leg.  
  
“I just… I _knew_ what Misato was offering and I...” It was hard for Shinji to tell it. Tears welled up.  
  
Kaworu stood up. Shinji stuttered the rest of his explanation into Kaworu’s chest, with the boy holding one arm around his head and one around his shoulders.  
  
Finally, when Shinji had finished and calmed down somewhat again, Kaworu, still holding him in that position, mused, “Humans are like that. Separate from one another, they don’t know how to act around one another.”  
  
“I don’t know what you mean,” Shinji muttered.  
  
“I think Misato means well. I think she cares about you,” Kaworu explained to him. “But that isn’t something you just know. It’s her feeling, not yours, so _you_ can’t feel it. That is what separates human hearts. And trying to bridge that gap doesn’t always work. Misato probably doesn’t know how to do it properly. Doesn’t know how to tell you this. And in her failed attempts at communication, she hurts you even more. That is the tragedy of humans.”  
  
“I guess I have hurt her as well,” Shinji sniffled.  
  
“Yes,” Kaworu answered frankly. “You couldn’t tell her what you told me, because the barriers around you two are too strong.”  
  
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Shinji admitted. “So it would be best if those barriers were to fall?”  
  
“…maybe,” Kaworu answered with hesitation. “But if you could feel everything she does, and she could feel everything you do… you two would feel the same. There would be no difference between you then. You wouldn’t be Shinji and she wouldn’t be Misato; instead, you would be the same being.”  
  
“I still don’t understand,” Shinji muttered. He felt too tired and exhausted to keep up with Kaworu, though just listening to his voice was comforting.  
  
“Individuality means pain,” Kaworu summarized his position. “Life, or at least life as you yourself, means pain. You can’t have one without the other.”  
  
_Life as I myself…_ Shinji mused that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he weren’t Shinji. If Shinji never existed. He would be content to just be part of someone better, someone more perfect like Kaworu. But he remained quiet. _Is that this separation again?_  
  
Once again, Kaworu gently lifted up Shinji’s chin with his hand. “And if you weren’t you, and if I weren’t I…” He smiled. “How could I then appreciate you? How could I love you?”  
  
_That’s true…_ After all, it also was true the other way around. Shinji could only love Kaworu because, well, Kaworu was Kaworu. And if he weren’t Shinji, weren’t his own person, he couldn’t love at all. _And for all the pain and sadness in life… this feeling almost makes it worth it…_  
  
“Misato meant well,” Kaworu stated once more. “But she did wrong. Humans know how vulnerable they are, and that is why they establish rules to protect themselves. It is something that strengthens the barrier, but that is necessary for protection at times. Misato transgressed these rules, broke that wall, reached right into your heart… and she had no right to. I’m sorry for that, Shinji.”  
  
Shinji remained quiet, just stared into Kaworu’s face as if enchanted. Half the words that Kaworu said still escaped him, too mysterious for him to decipher. But it wasn’t the lyrics which mattered, but the melody. The sympathy Kaworu offered. Him understanding Misato, but still clearly stating that she had been wrong. His frank support.  
  
Kaworu smiled and bent down for another kiss.  
  
When their lips parted, Shinji muttered, “How… how can it be that we’re together? I don’t deserve someone like you, someone as bright and gentle and caring...”  
  
“What makes you say that?” Kaworu asked. He smiled. “If not you, who then? Didn’t you save the world a dozen times over?”  
  
“Well, I...” Shinji stuttered. He had never seen it like that.  
  
Kaworu knelt down again, took his hand and held it between his. “But that doesn’t even matter. Your heart calls out, Shinji. I can hear it even beyond its barrier. It’s fragile and beautiful. Do not underestimate yourself. I wonder myself how I am worthy of such beauty.”  
  
“I… I don’t know what to say, Kaworu,” Shinji admitted.  
  
“Then don’t,” Kaworu told him. “There are other ways to circumvent the barriers around our hearts. Just accept what I have said, because it is the truth about you.”  
  
“It’s difficult for me to accept such things about me,” Shinji muttered. “I never thought…” He got silent.  
  
“We’re distracting ourselves from the loneliness in our hearts,” Kaworu said. “That sounds cynical, but it is a good thing to do for humans. And there is nobody with whom I’d rather do that than you, Shinji. You are precious. I love you.”  
  
“Ah… ah well… I...” Shinji began. He was saved from the need to form a coherent sentence by his stomach suddenly making rumbling noises.  
  
“Am I correct to assume you’re hungry?” Kaworu asked.  
  
Shinji felt slightly embarrassed, but wasn’t really unhappy about the change of topic. “I didn’t have any dinner today.” And so far, he had been far too distracted by the whirlwind of his changing emotions to even notice the hunger.  
  
Kaworu stood up again. “I see. Then how about I make something for you?”  
  
“Ah… at this hour? No, no, I don’t want to be a burden!” Shinji protested.  
  
“You aren’t,” Kaworu assured him and walked over to the kitchen.  
  
Shinji could just remain sitting there and wait, in a weird mix of awkwardness and pleasant feelings. It was awkward that Kaworu had to do this just because he had been too stupid to eat something before. But it was also kinda nice to see how concerned Kaworu was.  
  
Kaworu came back with two small plates of noodles. Shinji was very grateful to him, and while he did his best to not just gulp the noodles down, he noticed just how hungry he had been while eating.  
  
After they had both finished, Kaworu remarked, “The sun will rise in two hours or so. Still, we should at least try to get some sleep.” He smiled faintly. “You did come for a sleepover, after all.”  
  
“Ah… but I haven’t brought any clothes...” Shinji began to protest. _Stupid, stupid, stupid of me._  
  
Kaworu smiled. “You can have some of mine. And you can sleep on the bed. I’ll get a futon.”  
  
“Ah… no, no, no! I really don’t want to be a burden on you!” Shinji protested earnestly now.  
  
“But you’re the guest,” Kaworu pointed out. “You should get the bed.”  
  
“That’s the reason I should be sleeping on the floor!” Shinji pointed out.  
  
“In truth… there may not be a need for either of us to sleep on the floor,” Kaworu mused.  
  
“How… oh,” Shinji voiced and blushed. “But...”  
  
“I know even only touching the barriers around your heart makes you uncomfortable,” Kaworu admitted. “So we don’t need to do this. I will do nothing that might hurt you, Shinji. But...” His normally so confident facade showed some cracks; he smiled faintly and looked down. “I would like to feel how it is to have you close, for an entire night… or what’s left of it.”  
  
Shinji froze. Then he stammered, “I’d… like that as well.” Being that close to Kaworu sounded like a wonderful idea.  
  
Kaworu went to the wardrobe and tossed shorts and a shirt to Shinji. “Then change. Let’s get some sleep while we still can.”  
  
After he had changed (Kaworu had politely left the room), Shinji did feel a little bit awkward entering the bed. Kaworu was already lying there and smiling at him. Shinji wasn’t sure about the whole thing… until Kaworu began stroking his cheek. Shinji felt for a moment as if his heart might stop… and then felt just content. Kaworu continued to gently caress him for a while, and Shinji felt like he might be in heaven.  
  
Then he grabbed Kaworu’s hand. The grey-haired boy’s eyes widened slightly.  
  
“Kaworu,” Shinji began. “I… I’m sorry.”  
  
“What for?” Kaworu asked gently.  
  
“For not having properly replied to you,” Shinji explained. “You said… you said you loved me. And I… Kaworu, I love you. Meeting you is the single best thing that has happened in my life. Everything else… my mother dying, my father sending me away, me having to pilot here, people around me just leaving me… it has all been negative. Only you… you came, and you _cared_. Cared about me. You’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met.” Shinji felt very self-conscious, now that he had blurted out all this. But it was true and he felt so strongly about this that he had felt the _need_ to say it. “I… uh…” He smiled awkwardly. “I might even feel a bit inadequate next to you.”  
  
“Don’t,” Kaworu whispered. “You’re the boy with the tender heart, who takes the burdens of the world upon him for the sake of others. You would be justified to be bitter, to have your heart fortified against any further damage, and yet you… you’ve remained kind and helpful. That’s the only way I can put it in terms you understand. Or in other terms, as I’ve said before, your heart is beautiful.”  
  
“...I love you.” Shinji could only simply repeat this, feeling overwhelmed once again with emotion. Then he nestled against Kaworu, with Kaworu swinging an arm around him.  
  
Shinji smiled. As he drifted off to sleep, he felt suddenly very secure.


	3. Neujahr

The first rays of light of the new day tried to make their way through the mostly closed shutters of Kaworu’s bedroom. He sat upright in his bed, a sleeping Shinji next to him. He looked at him and worried.  
  
_The Lilim are such imperfect creatures. They are not complete. Each of us is an equivalent of all of humanity. None of us_ needs _anybody else; our natural state is a closed existence. For now, we just seek the union with Mother. These Lilim are different. They define each other via their interaction with others. Shinji is Shinji because Misato and Rei and everybody else see him as Shinji. And yet… even though they need interaction, they hurt each other daily just by that.  
  
Maybe it would be a mercy to release them from their suffering. _ Sometimes, Kaworu just didn’t understand the Lilim. For the descendants of Adam, existence was tied to principle. They didn’t need to search for a purpose; life and purpose were inherently twinned for them. That was why each of them could be self-contained, in a manner of speaking. The Lilim, though… Kaworu could just detect no pattern there. They simply seemed to live on and on without purpose. Whereas natural existence was perfect and without doubt or flaws for the Adamim, the Lilim’s existence seemed to be suffering and questioning themselves. And yet, they fought tooth and nail to keep this existence. They even used their own antithesis, Adamite flesh, in their defence. _I don’t understand._  
  
Yet, the enigma of the Lilim was also their miracle. Kaworu supposed that without it, there would not be all that beauty of Lilim culture. The beauty of art, culture… of Shinji’s heart. The Lilim were, individually, weak and hurting creatures, always dependent on validation by others, always hurting each other, without any sense of purpose… but somehow, that didn’t deter them. Even as they were collapsing from the weight of their existence they fought on. Commander Ikari, Misato, Shinji… all creatures in various states of breaking down, and yet all desperately clinging to their collective existence.  
  
It was a desperate, hurtful, doomed… and utterly beautiful struggle. _How can I quench such a flame?_ He looked at Shinji, and he knew that even if Mother were to be filled with a soul again, even if the Adamim could make this world theirs as it should always have been, there would never ever be something on it of the same beauty he was seeing now.  
  
Seeing such beauty had made him question his purpose nearly from the beginning. He was an Adamim in a Lilim body, a being uncomfortably close to the Forbidden Union, almost an abomination. As such, he could doubt as well, just as the Lilim did. Confronted with the beauty of Lilim culture, society, art, music, he had always been saddened by their inevitable demise. But now, he was feeling more than just that. He wasn’t just admiring Shinji’s undeniable beauty, he…  
  
...he wanted him to live. He wanted him to be happy. He wanted him to have a future, not for the sake of beauty, but for Shinji’s own sake. Simply because he deserved it. Simply because Kaworu was so invested in him. Simply because… he loved him.  
  
_His future or the future of all Adamim… there is no third option._ He took Shinji’s hand. The boy murmured in his sleep. _But is it right to sacrifice his future for a race that currently doesn’t even exist? Even if it is my own race?_  
  
Recently, this uncontrollable urge inside him had gotten stronger. The longing to return to Mother and reunite with her. Maybe it was exactly his new relationship with Shinji which had triggered this. Shinji made him happy. He loved Shinji. He loved spending time with him, talking with him, holding him. As far as this Lilim word went, this ‘love’, he had it, and as far as that Lilim concept of ‘happiness’ went, he had that, too.  
  
But he wasn’t Lilim. Deep inside him, he felt a hole, a loneliness, that could never be filled by normal contact alone. It ran on an entirely different axis than _normal_ loneliness. Whereas Adamim naturally were self-contained and complete, Kaworu wasn’t complete at all. None of his brethren NERV had fought so far were, because they were not in their natural state. They all had this burning, Adam-shaped hole in their hearts. As long as they couldn’t unite with Adam, they would be lonely in a way that no human contact could help with.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he whispered to the sleeping Shinji. Shinji had been the most beautiful, sensitive, gentle partner anyone could have hoped for, but for Kaworu it _still_ wasn’t enough, and while that was simply part of his nature, he still blamed himself for that. He was _wasting_ Shinji’s love, even though that was such a precious thing. And he _was_ happy with it… on one axis. But his being as an Adamim also extended to that other axis.  
  
_But it doesn’t matter how much I suffer. Shinji needs to live. He has already known so much pain in life. It may not be cut short before he also knows happiness._ The thought _revolted_ him now, that Shinji should only get to see suffering and misery in his short life, despite everything he had done, despite all the burdens he had accepted for himself. Kaworu was slightly surprised himself by the _intensity_ of his emotions.  
  
_I care for Shinji. I love him._ He now began to realize what this meant. _His happiness is more important than my own._  
  
He sighed. _Does one born from Adam really need to return to Adam, even at the expense of humanity?_ That didn’t feel right to Kaworu. _At the expense of Shinji?_ That couldn’t be. However, this soul-crushing loneliness inside him couldn’t be denied. The incompleteness. He knew he would only ever be whole if he did unite with Adam. He knew Adam was here, deep down below the NERV headquarters. The temptation was oh so great. Kaworu didn’t know if he had the power to resist it forever.  
  
But as he laid down again and nestled his head against Shinji’s back, he knew _why_ he had to resist. He’d do so for him. Lilim culture was magnificent, but that culture as a nebulous, vague whole could not compare to how Shinji’s heart showed that desperate beauty of Lilim nature. And the boy so deserved happiness…  
  
He was awakened again when he noticed some movement near him. He opened his eyes and saw Shinji getting up from the bed. After such a short sleep period he felt exhausted, but his S2 engine was slowly and gradually releasing power into his body again. He had spoken truthfully: He didn’t _need_ sleep. It was just helpful.  
  
He closed his eyes again, turned onto his back and breathed out. He felt weirdly calm with Shinji around. Whatever happened, he would not give in to despair while he was right with him. He doubted his willpower, but there was no chance he would start the destruction of the world if Shinji was right there to see it. When he opened his eyes again, his boyfriend had been mostly dressed.  
  
“Good morning, Shinji” Kaworu greeted him softly.  
  
Shinji turned his head to him. He blushed. It was both puzzling and endearing. There was no reason for embarrassment or awkwardness, but Shinji, who had been hurt so much by the barriers around people’s hearts, was still so unsure how to deal with people. It showed his own heart’s fragility. _He really deserves better._  
  
“Goo… Good morning, Kaworu,” Shinji greeted back. “Uh… are you alright with me already making tea?”  
  
Kaworu smiled. “That’s very considerate of you. Of course it’s alright.”  
  
Shinji hushed into the entrance corridor with its kitchen counter, and Kaworu got dressed. However, Shinji didn’t really get a chance to make tea. Soon afterwards, the doorbell rang.  
  
The look Shinji gave Kaworu was almost fearful. Kaworu slightly furrowed his brows. He briefly laid a hand on Shinji’s shoulder, then opened the door.  
  
Outside, he saw a familiar dark-haired woman. He asked, “Misato. How can I help you?”  
  
The look Misato gave him… it was stern but measured, but Kaworu could look through the facade. Misato seemed outright hostile to him. “Is Shinji here?”  
  
Kaworu considered telling her no. He truly believed Misato wanted the best for Shinji, but he wasn’t so sure if right now she _was_ the best for Shinji. But it wasn’t his place to say this. Whether Shinji wanted to see Misato or not had to be a decision of his own free will.  
  
So Kaworu said nothing. He just stood in the door of his apartment and smiled cryptically. However, after a while, Shinji appeared behind him. “Uh… hello, Misato.”  
  
Misato furrowed her brows while looking at him. “Let’s go home.” Shinji hesitated. He seemed frozen in indecision. “I’m not angry at you, Shinji.” That was true. To Kaworu, Misato didn’t seem angry. She was tense, though. _As if in the presence of a predator or a deadly enemy._ That was interesting. “Let’s just go home.”  
  
“I guess… I guess I should,” Shinji mumbled. He passed Kaworu in the doorway.  
  
Before he could leave the apartment, though, Kaworu laid a hand on his shoulder. Shinji stopped. “It isn’t a matter of ‘should’. It’s a matter of your free will. Go with Misato. But only if that is what you wish for.”  
  
Shinji turned his head to him. His body now felt tense as a bow string. Again he was indecisive.  
  
“You _need_ to come now!” Misato insisted and grabbed Shinji’s arm. Shinji stumbled back, literally into Kaworu arms. Misato looked surprised at how easily the boy had escaped her grip. Kaworu narrowed his eyes at her. He hoped NERV’s omni-present sensors hadn’t picked up anything.  
  
“I… I…” Shinji tried to speak up, but then stopped.  
  
“What is it that you plan? Do you want to _stay_ here?” Misato asked accusingly. “Do you think that is okay? Do you think that will work out?”  
  
Kaworu had a thin smile on his face. “It might not. It his decision and his risk to take. But do you think it will work out better if he stays with you? Do you think you can comfort him and support him?”  
  
Misato whirled her head around to look straight at him. Her position was slightly couched, as if ready to leap. “I’m his guardian,” she hissed.  
  
“And have you acted accordingly?” Kaworu simply asked.  
  
“At least I’m no threat to him!” Misato insisted.  
  
Kaworu’s eyes widened. Finally the Major had managed to break through his defences. _Does she know about me?_ However, Shinji blurted out, “Kaworu is no threat!”  
  
“I might be,” Kaworu whispered.  
  
“I don’t believe that,” Shinji insisted. Inside him, Kaworu felt a comfortable warmth rising that had nothing to do with his S2 engine. _Such trust in me…_  
  
“Shinji! That’s an order!” Misato stated. Kaworu had pity with her. _She is desperate. And she doesn’t know what else to say. She defaults into the only mode she knows… military orders._  
  
“Yes, that’s all you ever do, isn’t it?” Shinji muttered. He sounded resentful. He looked down, and his hands were balled into fists.  
  
“Shinji… do you want to stay here?” Kaworu whispered to him. The boy nodded.  
  
“Shinji!” Misato protested again.  
  
“You need me to pilot EVA, don’t you?” Shinji half-whispered. It sounded… _dangerous._ It was clear that Shinji was beyond caring. “You need both of us.” And with that said, he passed by Kaworu again and, with hanging shoulders, entered the apartment again.  
  
Kaworu took a step back and, while still looking right at Misato, closed the door.  


* * *

  
In earlier times, before Second Impact, Japan had a tradition of firework festivals during the summer. Basically every single town in the country had some festival in the summer that would culminate in a big firework display in the evening. Wearing yukatas was traditional for those festivals, and both men and women did so.  
  
These days, summer reigned in Japan all year round. The months that formerly made up winter now had the same temperatures and weather conditions as July and August. And one result of this shift was that the Japanese tradition of summer firework festivals had begun to fuse with the European-American tradition of New Year’s fireworks. These days, many Japanese firework festivals, with all the traditional trappings, were held on New Year’s Eve. Tokyo-3 was one city that did it that way; wanting to have its own firework festival, they had chosen New Year’s Eve as the date for it from the beginning, a clear sign of a new city starting new traditions.  
  
Kaworu _loved_ such little traditions and eccentricities of Lilim communities. That was why he not only had a yukata to wear, he also had a spare one for Shinji. So in the little group that was visiting the festival, only Rei wasn’t dressed traditionally and wore her school uniform instead, as she always did. But that was okay. Rei was only slowly learning about these things, after all.  
  
_Of course, she may soon run out of time to learn…_  
  
The three had already sampled some of the local festival food, so Kaworu was happy. He was fully immersed in Lilim culture, Shinji was nearby, and he could allow himself to simply feel _normal_. And then there was Rei, who was also part of their little group. It was ironic that _she_ of all people had become a sort of close friend, but Kaworu liked it that way. It meant that old mistakes and grievances of the past didn’t matter anymore.  
  
_Though maybe that’s an unfair attitude to have towards her._ She had after all stressed that she was just Rei, nothing more. And Kaworu respected that this had to be a choice of her free will.  
  
Shinji seemed increasingly more agitated the last half hour or so, though. Finally, he muttered, “We’re being watched.”  
  
“Yes, I know,” Kaworu answered. He didn’t need to look around for that. He could _feel_ it. His AT Field was constantly slightly bristling.  
  
“Section 2,” Shinji hissed.  
  
“You are afraid,” Rei stated. It wasn’t a question.  
  
“They could just take me and return me to Misato,” Shinji explained his fears.  
  
“Hm. I don’t think they will,” Kaworu opined.  
  
“What makes you so sure?” Shinji asked. He sounded a bit sullen.  
  
“Their superiors know they wouldn’t be able to get to you,” Rei explained.  
  
She looked at Kaworu, who smiled. Right now, Shinji was indeed under the strongest protection possible on this planet. _What harmony!_ To think that _these_ two souls now had the same aim, now would cooperate, and all because of one Lilim boy who had shown care to the one and a fragile heart to the other…  
  
“Trust us,” Kaworu told Shinji. “You’re safe.”  
  
“Sometimes, I still think I don’t know either of you,” Shinji muttered. “I mean, I do trust you...”  
  
Those words stung, all the more so because they were true. Shinji didn’t know about Kaworu, not really. Kaworu had never told him. The grey-haired boy increasingly realized he should, but… he was afraid. _Shinji’s delicate heart… the truth may be too much for him._  
  
“You have seen what I am,” Rei spoke up softly. “I am not a normal human. I can protect you. I promised to protect you once. That promise is still valid.”  
  
“Against Section 2?” Shinji asked. He sounded very surprised.  
  
Rei didn’t answer. Instead, Kaworu did. “I don’t think they’ll want to test this. It won’t come to that.” Of course, there also was another reason for that: That _Kaworu_ could protect him. But he couldn’t say so.  
  
“Nothing will happen here,” Rei agreed. “We can enjoy the festival.”  
  
And so they did, walking among the booths. And maybe Shinji indeed felt safer now, as he was holding Kaworu’s hand without much in the way of hesitation or awkwardness. Kaworu felt content. _The Lilim who is the epitome of Lilim nature… and he loves me._ There were plenty of disapproving looks, of course, but nobody heckled them. _More effects of the barriers that separate those people from one another… but at least Shinji doesn’t seem to be hurt by this anymore._  
  
“Something is missing,” Rei spoke up.  
  
“What do you mean?” Shinji asked.  
  
“From among the festival food,” Rei explained. “I’d like a candy apple. They are hard to get outside of festivals.”  
  
“A candy apple?” Shinji mused. “Hm. Surely some booth here is selling them.”  
  
“It doesn’t matter,” Rei said.  
  
Shinji apparently took that as a challenge. “Wait here. I’ll get you one.”  
  
Kaworu was a little bit confused. When Shinji was gone, he commented, “I haven’t seen any booth selling candy apples here. I don’t think they have such a booth here. The festival has gotten quite small after recent events, after all.”  
  
“There is no such booth,” Rei stated with certainty. “We two need to talk.”  
  
Now Kaworu understood. “Ahhh.”  
  
“You need to tell him,” Rei merely stated.  
  
Kaworu knew what she meant. “The truth would hurt him.”  
  
“He loves you,” Rei said bluntly. “He deserves to know whom he loves. The Kaworu in his mind is not the same as the Kaworu in our minds.”  
  
“Isn’t it a true Kaworu nonetheless?” Kaworu argued. Rei just stared at him. Kaworu looked down. “I know what you mean, but...”  
  
“He won’t stop loving you,” Rei stated. Kaworu looked up. “He accepted me. He will accept you.”  
  
“I’m not worried for my own sake,” Kaworu tried to explain. “Not majorly, at least. Mostly, I am worried for him.”  
  
“Do you think you can keep your secret forever?” Rei asked. “Do you think you will never seek your Mother?”  
  
Kaworu looked down again. He couldn’t answer those questions with certainty. “I have to believe that,” he whispered. “Otherwise, none of this will matter anyway.”  
  
“I won’t allow you to hurt my brother,” Rei stated with determination. “Your secret will end up hurting him.” Kaworu didn’t answer. Put on the spot like this, he couldn’t deny it. “I won’t allow that to happen. If you won’t tell him, I will.”  
  
Kaworu looked up in shock. “No… please…” He didn’t know what to argue, what to plead.  
  
There was a tense silence. “It should be you who tells him,” Rei said. “This is your New Year’s resolution. Go and tell him.” Kaworu didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer. “I’ll give you a week. Then I will tell him.”  
  
“I...” Kaworu gulped, a biological reaction that was very uncommon with him. “...understand.”  
  
When Shinji returned, of course without success in his quest, he found that the atmosphere had changed quite a bit. The three resumed their tour through the festival, but the mood was now quite sullen and subdued. Kaworu couldn’t help it: Whenever he looked at Shinji, Rei’s ultimatum repeated in his head. Not that he blamed Rei. In fact, he knew Rei was doing good, was acting out of genuine concern for her brother and besides, Kaworu should really tell him.  
  
He trusted Shinji. Shinji would probably understand. It was Kaworu who was his own problem: He didn’t want… he just _couldn’t_ confront the true nature of himself.  
  
“Is something the matter, Kaworu?”  
  
Kaworu looked up. It seemed Shinji had picked up on his mood. He smiled weakly. “No, everything is alright.”  
  
“You look… depressed,” Shinji stated.  
  
“I just have some issues on my mind,” Kaworu explained vaguely.  
  
“Oh,” Shinji answered. They walked on, but the mood didn’t brighten. So, finally, Shinji suggested, “Maybe we should go… uh… back to your apartment.”  
  
“We’re here to see the fireworks!” Kaworu protested.  
  
“Seeing the fireworks is no good if you aren’t feeling well,” Shinji argued.  
  
It was nice to experience how much Shinji cared, and yet Kaworu felt guilty. Rei had been right to confront him, and now his sadness about that event had ruined the mood for everyone. It might even have ruined the festival for Shinji.  
  
“Something _is_ the matter,” Shinji finally insisted. “I… uh… I can understand if you don’t want to talk about it here, so maybe if we went back...”  
  
There was some truth in that. Holding hands in public was one thing, but anything more than that would probably really not be received well. And right now, Kaworu could really use some physical comfort.  
  
Nonetheless, he weakly protested, “What about Rei?”  
  
“I’ll stay and watch the fireworks,” Rei said. “Don’t worry. I can enjoy the festival by myself.”  
  
“I’d still hate to leave you alone,” Shinji stated. “You… you shouldn’t be lonely again.”  
  
“We can meet again tomorrow,” Rei offered.  
  
“That sounds like a plan,” Shinji agreed. “So, uh, let’s go back, Kaworu.”  
  
The grey-haired boy nodded, and the two left the festival. The trains leaving from the festival were mostly empty. People were still going _to_ it, and besides, as with everything else, there weren’t enough people left in Tokyo-3 to fill out all the train lines. And with nobody else in sight after a single station, the two began to cuddle up. Kaworu needed this physical reassurance, this proof of being loved. _It’s going to be okay. He’s here. He’ll understand. He accepted Rei, he’ll accept me._  
  
But then, Rei was a different case. Rei was the same as him, but in a certain sense also the exact opposite of him. Shinji had fought and suffered for months now. Angels had burned him, pierced him through his chest, nearly asphyxiated him, ripped off his arm… and he had seen one rape Asuka’s mind and another one kill Rei… and Kaworu was one of them. Kaworu wasn’t just a clone with angelic tissue like Rei, he was an angel. _Wouldn’t Shinji see me as an enemy? Wouldn’t he even have a point then?_  
  
So the way Kaworu clung to Shinji now included much desperation.  
  
Shinji didn’t seem to mind or to notice, though. He responded eagerly to Kaworu’s displays of affection. And when they kissed, it was even initiated by him. Even when they left the train again, they could hardly keep apart from each other. Despite now being in a more public setting again, they walked _very_ close to each other, still caressed each other, still kissed each other.  
  
Back inside the apartment, this touching and feeling only increased. Physical barriers were removed, slowly and without planning but rather in the heat of the moment. Kaworu hadn’t planned for any of this, but it felt good, so good. And he had prepared for the eventuality. _So good… so good…_  
  
When the fireworks went off, they were just a backdrop to something much more intense.  


* * *

  
Shinji took another sip from the soda can and breathed out. He was relieved. The synch test had been as tense as he had expected, with a grim silence between Misato and Ibuki on one side and him, Rei and Kaworu on the other side. Nothing more than curt professional comments had been exchanged. But now, finally, the test was over. Kaworu had stayed behind at the briefing; apparently there were some peculiarities in his synching that Ibuki wanted to go over with him. So Shinji had gone ahead, already showered and changed, and was now waiting for his boyfriend.  
  
His heart was still thumping heavily from all the emotional stress from the test, but was slowly calming down. Shinji liked those feelings of relief, when it seemed like a dark cloud above would break open. He turned away from the vending machine… and suddenly saw himself confronted by two bullish man in dark black suits and with dark shades and white earplugs. _I didn’t even hear them come in!_  
  
“Third Child,” one of them said without greeting. “You are to be placed under house arrest.”  
  
“What… no way!” Shinji protested. He demonstratively tried to walk past them. Both men grabbed a shoulder. Their grip was iron hard. “Let go of me!”  
  
“Section 2 has security and policing authority over you as a member of NERV, per NERV’s special authorities,” the man who had spoken before informed him formally. “Please follow us and don’t make a fuss.”  
  
“Who ordered this?” Shinji demanded to know. “My… the Commander?”  
  
“Major Katsuragi,” the man told him.  
  
“Mi… sato…” Shinji echoed in a stutter. All resistance left him and he indeed just followed the two men.  
  
Section 2’s cars were just as bulky as their agents. It stood to reason they were well armoured. Shinji was seated on the backbench, with one of the agents next to him. The other drove the vehicle. A sudden burst of melancholy, even outright instantaneous depression, took hold of Shinji. He was cut off from Kaworu now. Misato had made it more than clear what she thought of his relationship with the grey-haired boy. _When will I see his smile again?_ That thought alone made him long for the boy again.  
  
And it was Misato who had orchestrated it. The first person since the death of his mother who had been consistently nice to him, who had accepted him into her home. He had started to think of her as family. _And now this…_ Shinji felt utterly betrayed. _But then, it had to come that way, didn’t it?_ He had run away from Misato, his guardian, after all. In a way, it was his own fault. He had run away, and now he would have to face the music. That was just logical.  
  
Longing for Kaworu, feeling all alone, feeling betrayed, feeling guilty… Shinji was silent as the grave during the car drive. He felt miserable.  
  
So he only noticed where the agents had brought him when the car stopped. _Misato’s apartment bloc…_ Wordlessly, with slumped shoulders, he followed the agents up to the apartment. They seemed to have a key and led Shinji inside. One of them went over to the balcony doors and locked them. The other stayed with the Third Child.  
  
“We will lock the apartment door from the outside,” he told him. “We will stay outside until Major Katsuragi arrives and takes over from us. Do you understand?”  
  
Shinji had looked down on the floor the entire time. He merely nodded meekly. He kept looking down as the agents passed him by and left the apartment. He heard the lock turning. Even now he kept standing in that position, not moving a single centimetre. Somehow, after several minutes, he managed to make it to the kitchen table. He sat down, and kept sitting there.  
  
Hours passed by. Shinji barely took notice of them. Only when the household’s newest member walked in did he shift his position a bit. _Kaworu’s kitten…_ He walked over to the small creature, picked it up and began preparing food for her. Afterwards, she rested on his lap. He kept petting her until she became asleep again. Apart from that, Shinji did nothing else. He didn’t even move when he heard the door open, and didn’t look up when somebody entered the kitchen. That person just stopped in the entrance. For several minutes, she just stood there and Shinji just remained where he was.  
  
Finally, Misato spoke up, “I brought something to eat.” Shinji didn’t react. Misato’s comment seemed utterly banal to him. Something like what they would eat this evening wasn’t even on his mind. After some hesitation, when she figured that Shinji wouldn’t answer, Misato just put the take-out on the table. “We should probably warm it up again.”  
  
Shinji just kept staring down at the table. He didn’t want to hear any of this, didn’t want to have to do with Misato, didn’t want to confront what she had done and that she might never let him return to Kaworu. He just didn’t _care_ about anything. The world didn’t matter. He just wanted it to pass him by. _All changes the world brings… they’re all for the worse. Always._  
  
He only half registered that Misato began to warm the food up, that she prepared the table, that she even filled a plate for him. All the activity around him, but he just didn’t care. The kitten umped from his lap, and still he didn’t move. The food smelled good, but Shinji still didn’t react.  
  
“You should eat, Shinji.” Misato sounded soft.  
  
“I’m not hungry,” Shinji finally spoke up, barely above a whisper.  
  
“You’ll need your strength,” Misato urged him, almost whispering herself now. Shinji kept quiet. After a while, Misato spoke up again, “But I suppose I can understand why you don’t have an appetite today...”  
  
Shinji gently put the kitten on the table. It came awake with a silent meow. Then he stood up from the table. It was an almost automatic, in any case instinctive reaction. He just couldn’t listen to Misato, just couldn’t stand this constant intrusion into his mind which he tried his best to separate from the world. He trotted away.  
  
“Shinji… everything will be alright,” Misato told him.  
  
Shinji stopped. “No. It won’t.” _Not without Kaworu, at least._  
  
“You’re safe now,” Misato added. It sounded almost like she was pleading with him.  
  
Shinji turned around. “Safe...” He sneered.  
  
Misato turned her head to look away from him. “I can’t tell you all the details now. But one day you’ll understand.”  
  
“There’s nothing to understand,” Shinji muttered. “I… I need him, Misato. And you want to keep me away from him. You even had me locked up in here!”  
  
“It’s for your own good,” Misato argued, still looking away. “For your safety.”  
  
“You sent me out to fight one angel after the next,” Shinji said. It sounded hollow. “And _now_ you’re worried about my safety?”  
  
Misato slammed a fist on the table, startling the kitten, and looked at him again. She sounded tense. “You don’t understand. I needed to… Kaworu… He…” She looked down.  
  
“I understand well enough,” Shinji claimed. “I don’t need your safety. I need Kaworu.”  
  
And with that, he turned again and went to his room.  


* * *

  
Kaworu was adrift, as if alone and without direction on the wide open sea. He needed his anchor. Ever since Section 2 had taken away Shinji he really didn’t know what to do anymore.  
  
They had only been a couple for two weeks, and before coming to Tokyo-3 Kaworu hadn’t known Shinji at all. He had read reports about him and even back then had noticed how fragile his soul had to be, but that of course had not been the same. However, before coming here, he also hadn’t _needed_ Shinji. In a weird way, his life had been both replete with ambiguity and yet without doubt. He knew he was Tabris, he knew his soul was Adam’s soul, he knew he would be the last angel to try and unite with Adam. Even back in Germany he hadn’t been sure if he would actually do so, but this had never been a great concern – whatever would happen, would happen.  
  
It was only here in Japan that Kaworu had begun to really confront the issue. The loss of Lilim culture, arts, beauty. The death of Shinji. Those were the consequences if he were to unite with Adam. Before, he had been ambiguous about fulfilling his purpose, and in a weird way he hadn’t even really cared if he did. He had just seen that as a detached philosophical issue at best, nothing to take serious. It had been a self-protective coping mechanism. He had always walked the world completely detached, knowing that one day he might destroy it. But now, he had become convinced that he may not do so, that no matter his suffering and his loneliness, he couldn’t destroy this world.  
  
...but without Shinji, that was just a logical conclusion. Something abstract and far away.  
  
It wasn’t just that he now didn’t know what his future might hold. He _literally_ didn’t know what to do now. The last two days he had simply stayed in his apartment and done nothing at all. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore. Nothing seemed to warrant even the smallest bit of effort. After all, if he were to soon destroy this world, what sense was there in still doing anything in this world?  
  
_Shinji. I need Shinji._  
  
But that was a selfish thought. He needed Shinji, yes, but he was no good for him. Misato had called him a threat, and she had been right about that. She likely knew. She knew what he was, and if she knew, so did the rest of NERV, probably. His fate was sealed. Keeping Shinji close to him now would only lead to the boy suffering even more than he already had.  
  
_I’m not like him. I am no Lilim, despite my form. I am… dangerous._  
  
He was trotting through the deserted streets of Tokyo-3. The fights against his brethren had wrought all this destruction upon this city, and he was just as dangerous. He was a tool with which to end the world. SEELE’s tool. Of course he had always been more than that. A mere tool couldn’t decide whether to do its task or not, whereas his relationship with SEELE had always included the possibility of betrayal. Even so, SEELE had in fact sent him here to end the world, and this urge was in fact part of his nature.  
  
_I AM a threat to Shinji. Maybe it is best for him to be kept away from me…_  
  
SEELE had contacted him the previous day. He couldn’t pretend to be a Lilim anymore, couldn’t pretend to be just the boyfriend of a Lilim. This message from SEELE had made it clear to him that he couldn’t just forget his nature. It didn’t mean he had to destroy the world, but it did mean he was dangerous. And it did mean he had to go face SEELE now.  
  
He entered a former park that had been half destroyed by the self-destruction of EVA-00. One half of its former extent was now submerged in the newly formed lake; the other half had been left untended and was full of mud and withering plants.  
  
His AT Field flickered.  
  
He stopped, put his hands into his trouser pockets and look into a certain direction. He could feel he was being watched from there, and he could even feel by whom. _Major Katsuragi…_ It made sense that he be under her observation. _How much can she trust her own organization?_ He knew to which extent NERV was under SEELE’s thumb. He smiled in her direction. After all, she was merely concerned for Shinji, and there weren’t many courses of action open to her.  
  
Then he stepped on a toppled tree trunk that had half fallen into the lake, so that he now stood at the edge of that body of water. He concentrated… and just a moment later he could see them, as if they were floating above said lake: The twelve black monoliths of SEELE. They formed a circle above the lake, which only touched the coast at the location where Kaworu was standing, as if he were part of that circle.  
  
“We have been waiting for you to take action,” a voice from one of the monoliths told him sternly.  
  
“I know,” Kaworu merely replied. “But any action I’ll take will have to be out of my own free will.”  
  
“It is both part of your nature and our wish,” another voice called to him. “What is holding you up?”  
  
Kaworu was silent for a while. It _was_ his nature to seek Adam, and yet… “Is it right what we’re doing? Is this the fate that should befall you Lilim?”  
  
“It is what must be done,” a third voice insisted.  
  
“Pandora’s box has been opened,” the first voice boomed. It was the one SEELE member Kaworu actually knew – Lorenz Kiel. It had been Kiel who had watched over his upbringing – a move that, as Kaworu had soon realized, had only served to cement Kiel’s own position within SEELE. “Great ill has been released upon the world. And now there is a man, not one of us, who wishes to close it, but before that final piece, that hope at the bottom, appears.”  
  
“Hope...” Kaworu muttered. “This is about hope?”  
  
“Hope to set things right again,” one of the monoliths confirmed.  
  
“Mankind are the false successors from the Black Moon,” another explained. “We were never meant to be here. Hence our suffering and our pain. We adapted to a hostile world that was never meant to be ours, and suffer for it. Our souls erected barriers around themselves to bear the hostility of this environment, and so we remain lonely.”  
  
“Hope is to start all over again,” Kiel summarized the position. “This is for the angels, the true successors from the White Moon.”  
  
“A strange hope,” Kaworu commented.  
  
“Hope comes in as many forms as there are people,” a monolith explained. “For hope only resides within the hearts of people.”  
  
Kaworu looked at the sky. “Then… yours is not the only hope. What about Ikari and Katsuragi, whose hope is to survive? What about the pilots of EVA, who should get to a chance to see happiness before it’s all over?”  
  
“They all suffer,” Kiel argued. “They are in pain. Haven’t you seen it?”  
  
Now Kaworu looked down. He had. “It is true.”  
  
“This suffering isn’t necessary. It isn’t inevitable,” Kiel went on. “It is a consequence of the abomination that is the state of the world. It has to be fixed. And only you, bestowed with the soul of your kind’s ancestor, can do so.”  
  
“The fate of the world… and the suffering of billions of people rest on your shoulders,” somebody else continued.  
  
“That is a heavy burden,” Kaworu said.  
  
“We know,” Kiel reassured him. “But as soon as you do what is in your nature, it will disappear. You can build up a better world. A world of the White Moon.”  
  
“At the cost of the Black Moon,” Kaworu argued back. “That is the true burden.”  
  
“It is the way of the world,” Kiel told him. “And you must decide.”  
  
The monoliths faded. Kaworu was left behind, alone. _The pain of billions of people…_ What should he do now? Relieve that pain by causing their death? Or forsake his own race, the Adamim, the White Moon?  
  
A part of him, a part that would never go away, longed for this union. Regardless of all rational arguments in favour or against, it just wanted his loneliness to finally end. And yet, another part… _And what about Shinji?_ Kaworu _cared_ about him. Whatever he did, he would consider Shinji. _Would he see nothingness as salvation?  
  
...no. Whatever SEELE says, I’d be his executioner. _ A strange fear arose in him.  
  
_...but maybe I am._ It was, after all. In his nature.  
  
He sensed that Misato was still watching him. The look he gave her now was one full of concern. _She is right to distrust me. All Lilim are right to distrust me. Salvation through destruction… even if Lilim suffer, even if I can free them from their pain, I still mean death for them._  
Slowly, Kaworu trotted back into the city again. He didn’t go back to his apartment. He wouldn’t know what to do there anyway. He just walked through the streets of a half-destroyed city, his hands in his pockets, and brooded.  
  
_All these people around me… these Lilim… they suffer. But yet they persist._ He sighed. _But I’m suffering as well. Adam… I need Adam. I’m not whole without Adam._ Yet, should that matter?  
  
“Kaworu!”  
  
The angel looked up in surprise. That had been Shinji’s voice. He saw the boy walking right up to him… accompanied by a burly man in a black suit.  
  
Kaworu looked down. He and Shinji passed each other. “Kaworu...” Shinji tried again. However, the man just grabbed his shoulder and pushed him forward.  
  
_I’m a threat to him._ The conversation with SEELE was still fresh in his mind. _I am the bearer of Adam’s soul, the last angel, a being with a purpose ahead of me._ And despite Rei’s ultimatum, he still hadn’t told any of that to Shinji. _Couldn’t_ tell that to him. He didn’t want to know this himself, after all, didn’t want to be confronted by it.  
  
_Is Shinji lost to me?_  
  
He just walked on, didn’t look back. It just hurt too much to contemplate Shinji, to consider that yes, Shinji _might_ be lost to him. Not because of Misato’s actions, but because Kaworu, despite his form, was not a Lilim who could be in a relationship with another Lilim – as SEELE has made clear to him, he was the carrier of a destiny, the being who would remake the world… at the cost of the old world.  
  
Whatever Kaworu did, it would be a tragedy. A tragedy of a dead world, or a tragedy of infinite loneliness. He had all the freedom in the world to choose, but what sort of choice was that?  
  
He had walked down some more streets, with those morose thoughts on his mind, when he suddenly noticed his AT Field tingling again. Somebody was looking at him. He looked up again… and saw Shinji running towards him from a side alley, without his Section 2 bodyguard in sight.  
  
Shinji came to a halt directly in front of Kaworu. He laid his arms on his shoulders and did his best to catch his breath. “So… glad… to have run into you.”  
  
Kaworu’s body tensed. He didn’t know how to react to this. He just needed to look at Shinji to feel the love he had for him. Just needed to look to want him safe, to be tender towards him, to hold him. But such thoughts just didn’t fit to his nature. After his talk with SEELE, such thoughts simply had no place inside him.  
  
_And he still doesn’t know what I am._  
  
“Shinji…” he whispered, and caressed his cheek. “I...”  
  
“Kaworu,” Shinji spoke up urgently. “Let us… I don’t know. Let’s just get away from here. Together. I know we still have to pilot EVA, but at least… until the next angel comes...”  
  
_The next angel… I am the next angel. The last angel._  
  
Kaworu bent his head forwards and kissed Shinji. The boy eagerly reciprocated. When their lips parted again, Kaworu sighed. He caressed Shinji’s cheek one more time. Then he turned around, worldlessly, and walked away.  
  
“Kaworu!” Shinji shouted after him. “Wait.”  
  
Kaworu did stop. “Please don’t come after me. Don’t make it harder on the both of us than necessary.”  
  
Shinji ran up to his side. “I don’t understand. What do you mean?”  
  
Again, Kaworu’s AT Field tingled. “Your guard is coming for you. Please don’t do anything foolish. As for me, I need to go.”  
  
And with that he continued on his way. Shinji remained behind.  
  
_The epitome of the tragic beauty of the Lilim. And what am I in comparison? A deceitful destroyer…_  


* * *

  
Light fell into Kaworu’s room. He had been awake all night, lying full clothed on his bed.  
  
The next day, Rei’s ultimatum would end. SEELE would still haunt him to fulfill his purpose. And he just felt so lonely. It seemed there really was no place for him in this world. He had always felt incomplete, but now it seemed there was nothing left to do anymore but to achieve that completion.  
  
He felt _desperate._  
  
He got up from his bed. A small Christmas fir wreath hung on his room door. He grabbed it, and threw it into the trash. Christmas season was over. As he left the building, he hummed a heavy melody: The famous first movement to Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.  
  
_Da-da-da-dam, da-da-da-dam…  
  
Thus fate knocks on the door._ He couldn’t fight his anymore.  
  
It was surprisingly easy to get into the NERV HQ. He was a pilot, yes, but it was strange that pilots could enter the facility even when there were no synch tests or similar. _And surely they must know by now what I am…_ And yet, there were no troubles with security. He could enter NERV HQ, and he could enter the EVA cages.  
  
He stood on one of the metal gangways that bridged the coolant liquid filling half the giant hall. He looked up at EVA-02 and furrowed his brows. _The crown of Lilim nature. The highest achievement of the Fruit of Knowledge. The Lilim using their own antithesis in order to cling to survival._  
  
“...I don’t understand them,” he whispered.  
  
And maybe that was the problem. The enigma of the Lilim was a thing of fascinating beauty, but what could he do in a world he couldn’t even understand? And even if his happiness had to come second to Shinji’s… how could he love and support Shinji if he didn’t even truly know his nature as a Lilim?  
  
“Very well,” he muttered. “My nature cannot be denied. All I will have done is to hurt Shinji. And all of my existence will have been nothing more than the death of the Lilim.”  
  
He realized that. But he couldn’t fight it. Not any longer. He stepped off the gangway… and floated upwards, carried by the light of his soul.  
  
“Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood,” Kaworu addressed EVA-02. He could _feel_ that flesh, _sense_ that blood. A poor, frightened soul was seeking shelter amidst both. It was easy to shut her out. “Adam’s other form. The only one still remaining. It is time. There is work to do.”  
  
There was nothing that could touch Kaworu unless he allowed it. His soul was the soul of Adam, and its light was impenetrable. The Earth was his rightful domain and he would tread wherever he wished to go. But it would fall upon this giant beast, this poor copy to do the heavy lifting, to remove all barriers on his way.  
  
Slowly, engulfed by Kaworu’s light, EVA-02 rose from the coolant liquid.  


* * *

  
Shinji didn’t go to school anymore; few people still did. He didn’t go to NERV anymore; there were no synchtests anymore. Shinji didn’t even leave the building anymore, not even under guard. None of it mattered anymore. Shinji just sat at home and did nothing, all day long. It was all that was left for him to do. He slept, he ate, he went to the bathroom and he fed the kitten. Sometimes, he even played with her. But that was indeed the sum total of his life the previous four days.  
  
Misato had torn him away from Kaworu. And two days ago, Kaworu had walked away from him. He had nobody anymore. He had _nothing_ anymore. The only reason he had been able to go on was that one person who had told him he loved him. Who had _shown_ him that love – an incredible tenderness, an amazing care towards him, always the right words on his lips. Who had come and set everything right again.  
  
And now he had lost him. Now everything was in tatters again. Now, Shinji merely _existed_ , with no reason for living.  
  
Right now, he sat in the living room, petting the kitten. As much as he felt dejected from the world, he could not leave this adorable creature unattended – that creature who was his last link to Kaworu. Even in his current state he couldn’t bring it over himself to just ignore her. From the living room, he heard the apartment door being opened. Somebody stepped into the entrance. “Shinji Ikari?” By the voice, Shinji recognized one of the Section 2 bulldogs assigned to him. “Rei Ayanami has come to visit you. Should we let her in?”  
  
Shinji’s first reaction was to have her sent away. He didn’t want to see _anybody_. Not even Kaworu – the boy had turned away from him, after all. He just wanted to be left alone. It wasn’t right that after all this he should get to enjoy himself. However…  
  
_My sister. There is still someone who cares._ That was a strange thought that hadn’t even occurred to him in the past few days. He had never had much in the way of family. _But blood is thicker than water, right?_ It was a strange new concept… to always be able to fall back on family, maybe...  
  
So he directed an agreeing growl towards the apartment entrance. He slowly got up to walk into the kitchen. The kitten followed his foot steps. Rei was already standing there.  
  
Shinji tried to offer a smile… and failed. “Sister.”  
  
“I am sorry, brother,” Rei spoke softly. “I should have come to see you earlier. But I wasn’t clear on these matters. I have no experience with…” She hesitated. “...this.”  
  
“I’m just glad _someone_ came,” Shinji told her.  
  
“That is what family should do,” Rei argued. “Stick together. Someone should have come. Me. Earlier.”  
  
Shinji felt uncomfortable with that line of reasoning. Surely, nobody really _owed_ him anything. And Rei had had it hard enough on her own all the time. “This is new to me as well. The thought that I will have _family by_ my side no matter what...” Now he did smile, if ever so faintly. “What made you come now?”  
  
“Misato called me,” Rei told him. The kitten was now walking around her feet, meowing for attention. Rei was one of her favourite people, but for now the blue-haired girl was focused on Shinji.  
  
Shinji’s attempt at a smile faltered. “Oh.” He turned his head around. “Misato...”  
  
“She told me what she had done,” Rei went on. “I expressed my anger at her.”  
  
Shinji jerked his head around again. “What?”  
  
“I told her she shouldn’t have done it,” Rei explained. “She apologized, but didn’t seem likely to undo her actions. Instead, she advised me to come here.”  
  
Shinji scoffed. “Now that the damage has been done.”  
  
“I… I can’t undo what she has done,” Rei answered. “I just thought...” She looked down. “I was foolish. Of course I shouldn’t have followed Mi… _Major Katsuragi_ on issues like this. Not anymore.”  
  
She turned to go. Instinctively, Shinji darted forward and grabbed her arm. “What do you mean by this?”  
  
Rei stopped and looked him in the face. “She hurt my brother. It was a bad idea to follow advice from her then.”  
  
Shinji’s eyes widened. _Such loyalty…_ And from Rei nonetheless, who had never known anything other in life than to follow NERV officers without question. It seemed, whatever happened, he did have family to rely on. He couldn’t help but to grab Rei in a hug. After a moment of surprised rigidness, Rei returned it. “Thanks, little sister. Please stay here.”  
  
He led her to a seat at the kitchen table and began making tea. It was his first activity in the kitchen in days, but now he did so with an instantaneous enthusiasm. And finally, the kitten had Rei’s attention. Shinji could hear her purring all the way to the kitchen counter. _What had Kaworu called it? Rei has a way with life..._  
  
When he put a cup of tea in front of Rei, she commented, “It can’t stay that way.”  
  
Shinji sat down with his own cup. “Huh?”  
  
“You and Kaworu can’t stay apart forever,” Rei explained, still tickling the kitten under the chin.  
  
“I bet Misato sees that differently,” Shinji muttered darkly.  
  
“She is worried about you,” Rei told him. “She has has reasons.”  
  
“Because it’s two boys?” Shinji asked sullenly. “Or because we’re too young? Those are the standard concerns, aren’t they?”  
  
“It goes deeper than that,” Rei stated.  
  
Shinji waited for her to explain. No explanation came. Then he sighed sadly. “It doesn’t matter, anyway. Kaworu… he...” His face twisted into a grimace. Rei didn’t say anything. Just sat there and looked at him. It was the kitten who walked over, across the table, and nudged her head against his arm. Shinji smiled sadly and began petting it.  
  
It took almost a minute before she spoke up. “Are you not going to tell me about Kaworu?”  
  
“Huh?” Shinji voiced.  
  
“You spoke of him,” Rei explained.  
  
Shinji looked down. The kitten now lay on her side, and Shinji was still stroking her fur. Then he began to tell her of his encounter with the boy. “So no matter what Misato has done… no matter what she does now… it seems Kaworu has left me,” he concluded.  
  
“No,” Rei simply stated.  
  
“No?” Shinji echoed.  
  
“There is a reason why he is avoiding you,” Rei explained. “It is the same reason why Major Katsuragi wishes to keep you apart from him.”  
  
“So what is it?” Shinji demanded to know. A certain spirit, a certain anger rose within him again.  
  
Rei shook her head. “It is not mine to tell. This is between Kaworu and you. He will have to tell you. But I won’t allow him to hurt my brother. If he doesn’t tell you, I will.”  
  
Shinji remained quiet for a while, letting this sink in. Then he scoffed again. “But now he won’t even have the chance.”  
  
“I fear this may end badly,” Rei commented.  
  
“And I take it you can’t tell me about that, either?” Shinji asked.  
  
Again, Rei shook her head. “But whatever happens… I’ll be on the side of my big brother.”  
  
Now Shinji finally managed a genuine smile. He briefly patted Rei’s hand. “And I on the side of my little sister.” He hesitated. “Even though… it’s weird. Good… but weird. To have a family.” Whereas just moments before he might as well have died, now… now he had someone to talk to. Someone he had a connection to. Someone who cared about him and believed in him. On an entirely different level than Kaworu. Less intense, but more… basic.  
  
Rei nodded. “I’ve never had anything like it. And now I don’t want to lose it.”  
  
Shinji was about to reassure her that she wouldn’t when the apartment door was opened again – hastily, this time. A Section 2 agent stormed into the kitchen.  
  
“Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami,” he addressed them. “You need to come to NERV HQ, as quickly as possible. Your presence is required. Come with us immediately.”  
  
“But… why…” Shinji stuttered.  
  
“Come,” Rei told him softly. “We need to go.”  
  
Still surprised, Shinji hurriedly carried the cat into his room and then followed his sister out. _An angel attack? But why is there no alarm then?_  
  
The two siblings sat on the backseats of the bulky Section 2 car that was now racing towards the nearest entrance to the Geofront. Shinji looked outside the car window and wondered what was happening. _Do I have to pilot EVA again?_ Nothing good had ever come out of that. He supposed he should be afraid, but… he didn’t have the energy anymore to be afraid. It would come as it would . Probably something bad would indeed happen. But he had gotten used to that fact. Things got worse. That was his life.  
  
They were immediately expected by Misato at the parking lot. “Rei, Shinji, with me, and hurry!” she ordered. The Major, the pilots and the two Section 2 agents now ran through the corridors of NERV Headquarters. By now, Misato had gotten a good grasp of the place; she took no wrong turns and didn’t lead them to dead ends.  
  
Eventually, they reached the vicinity of the EVA cages. “Shinji, get dressed! Rei, with me! “Misato ordered. “The Commander wants to brief you personally.”  
  
Changing into his plugsuit had become second nature to Shinji. It wasn’t even something he needed to think about. Stripping down, putting on the suit, releasing the air inside… all just purely mechanical movements. And the plugsuit itself… it had embarrassed him somewhat in the beginning, but by now he didn’t think enough about that to even only dismiss the thought. At long last he had truly become a pilot. His thoughts concerned mostly what would happen now, but even that was just an idle concern. It would come as it would. Shinji had long since learned there was nothing he could do about these things.  
  
Going into the entry-plug, being submerged I LCL… that all didn’t even truly reach Shinji anymore. He just sat in his cockpit, surrounded by this awful orange liquid and didn’t think at all. They would tell him what to think and what to do, after all.  
  
It took two or three minutes until he finally heard Misato’s voice on the comms. “Shinji, listen. Follow the signals we’re sending to your unit. You’ll go to a top secret area of Headquarters, somewhere deep down you’ve never been before. Everything you see there must be kept strictly secret. But it is paramount that you stop the threat there. If you don’t, the angel will initiate Third Impact.”  
  
“An angel?” Shinji muttered. “Inside Headquarters?”  
  
“Just get going,” Misato ordered him.  
  
Shinji activated his unit, and began following the directions transmitted to his board computer. _This is getting stranger and stranger. Why aren’t they telling me what’s the matter?_ The last time NERV had withheld information until the last moment… had been in the battle against Bardiel. When they hadn’t told them they would have to fight an EVA. And when Shinji hadn’t known Touji was piloting it. Not until he had seen his corpse in the crushed entry-plug of EVA-03.  
  
EVA-01 opened a large plate in the wall… and Shinji saw a gaping chasm behind it. A giant shaft that seemed to go down into infinity.  
  
“Enter the shaft, Shinji”, Misato ordered him. “Don’t worry, you won’t fall; you’ll just glide down. It will bring you directly towards Terminal Dogma, where the angel is.”  
  
“I don’t like this, Misato,” Shinji. “What’s going on? What kind of angel is already inside Headquarters?”  
  
“Shinji...” Misato whispered. There was a long silence. EVA-01 kept standing in front of the shaft and didn’t move. When Misato spoke up again it was so silent that Shinji barely heard her. “Kaworu. The angel is Kaworu. He has always been an angel.”  
  
The world began to spin around Shinji. He was sent to fight Kaworu? Kaworu was an _angel?_  
  
Angels were enemies. Angel were to be defeated. If Kaworu was an angel… then Kaworu had betrayed him. But that couldn’t be. He was the one person who had told him he loved him, the one person in his life who hadn’t made things worse but set them right again.  
  
“I don’t believe you!” Shinji told Misato. He hammered on his controls with his fists. “No, no, no! It can’t be!”  
  
Misato’s voice sounded hollow, almost broken. “Dr Akagi warned me he was the last angel. That’s why I tried to keep you away from him. I… I couldn’t tell you. I’m sorry. I knew it would hurt you. But now you must stop him. You hear, Shinji? You must!”  
  
“It’s a lie!” Shinji shouted.  
  
“Just… go down there,” Misato told him silently. “You don’t need to trust me. You can see for yourself. Kaworu has deployed a very powerful Pattern Blue AT Field, and has hijacked EVA-02. If you don’t stop him… we’re all going to die, Shinji.”  
  
“He betrayed me?” Shinji asked. He was utterly shocked. He felt dizzy.  
  
“See for yourself,” Misato urged him again.  
  
With an angry scream, Shinji made EVA-01 enter the shaft. Indeed there was something there that softened his fall. He didn’t fall down, he glided down. On the one hand, that meant he wouldn’t be crushed. On the other, it strained his patience. Now, he _wanted_ to see for himself. No, he _needed_ to.  
  
“Kaworu!” he shouted down the shaft. “Kawoooruuu!”  
  
Suddenly, the shaft ended… but not like such a metal shaft should have. The end of the shaft was like a black hole amidst stars, and EVA-01 landed in a giant sea of a red liquid. Giant waves splashed up, and Shinji screamed in pain as his synchronization transmitted the pain of the fall to him. When he got EVA-01 to its feet again, he saw single peaks of salt piercing through the liquid. There was no ceiling to the room; instead it seemed to have a sky… a night sky. _Where am I? What is this? Is this… blood? LCL? Too red for LCL, too fluid for blood…_  
  
Then he saw his target. A giant red ‘robot’… EVA-02. And next to it, a source of bright white light. Shinji looked closer. It was Kaworu – flying in the air and emitting that light, a light like… _like an angel’s halo…_  
  
“Kaworu!” Shinji screamed again.  
  
The angel turned around to face him. He had a smile on his face, but it was a sad one. “Shinji. I knew they would send you. I have been waiting for you.”  
  
“Waiting for me?” Shinji echoed angrily. “You have betrayed me! You have used me and betrayed me, just like my father has!”  
  
“I never meant to hurt you,” Kaworu tried to explain. “This had always been sure to happen; I just didn’t want to realize it. So I didn’t tell you. But I thought, even if the world would end… at least I could give you some happiness before the end.”  
  
“Happiness?” Shinji shouted desperately. “What sort of happiness is that if I have to defeat you now… kill you now!”  
  
“Is this better or worse for you than your own death?” Kaworu asked him. It sounded like an idle philosophical question. “Better or worse than the death of Rei, Misato, all the others?”  
  
“Please, Kaworu!” Shinji begged. “Don’t do this!”  
  
EVA-01 took a step forwards, towards him… but was suddenly blocked by EVA-02, which held its prog-knife in its hand. Shinji had EVA-01 take a step back again and draw its own prog-knife.  
  
“I’m sorry, Shinji,” Kaworu apologized. “I know you never liked piloting and fighting.”  
  
A sort of quake rippled through the unusual terrain. It seemed to come out of nowhere.  
  
“What was that?” Shinji asked desperately.  
  
“I made sure nobody would listen in,” Kaworu explained. “And that nobody would destroy themselves and us. The light of my soul now stretches across this horizon, and no signal and no communication may penetrate it.”  
  
“I don’t understand!” Shinji complained.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Kaworu apologized again. While still looking at EVA-01, he seemed to float backwards, away from the scene.  
  
“No!” Shinji shouted, had EVA-01 step forwards… and then had to have his unit parry a knife attack from EVA-02.  
  
“I have been waiting for you,” Kaworu commented. “I wanted you to be here, at the end. But I can’t let you interfere.”  
  
EVA-01 and EVA-02 struggled and fenced with their knives. “I’m sorry, Asuka,” Shinji whispered. He managed to hit EVA-02’s chest… and then screamed in pain as EVA-02’s knife hit his. Or rather, EVA-01’s but he felt it as if it were his own chest.  
  
“Kaworu! You’re hurting me!” Shinji protested.  
  
As he had said so, immediately EVA-02 collapsed on the spot, a puppet with its strings cut.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Kaworu apologized yet again. “I never meant to.” And then he turned and flew away at an incredible speed.  
  
EVA-01, holding its right chest with its left hand, with Shinji still feeling pain there, tried to run after him, but to little avail. Kaworu was faster. Shinji felt reminded of Armisael’s incredible nimbleness. _He IS an angel_ …  
  
He saw Kaworu fly through some gate. EVA-01 followed… and found itself in a lake of what was now clearly recognizable as LCL. And in the midst of that lake, a giant, EVA-scaled cross, with a white creature nailed to it. _What the hell…?_  
  
EVA-01 stopped. Kaworu was now right in front of the creature, a shining beacon of light… and then a second such light imposed itself between him and the creature.  
  
_Rei! Is she as well…?_  
  
“Turn away from this place, Tabris,” she told Kaworu. _Tabris…?_  
  
“I thought that possible for the longest time,” Kaworu responded sadly. “But in truth it isn’t. I cannot deny my nature. This world will always find ways to remind me of it.”  
  
“My brother loves you,” Rei told him.  
  
“And I repaid that love with betrayal,” Kaworu admitted. “There is nothing left for me on this world.”  
  
EVA-01 just stood there, with Shinji not daring to move it, not daring to interrupt this strange conversation.  
  
“You’re _hurting_ my brother,” Rei whispered. “I won’t allow it!”  
  
“I can but apologize, to both you and your brother,” Kaworu told her. “But that only affirms… my salvation… is behind you!”  
  
He tried to push forward… but was stopped midair. A flickering of orange energy spread between him and Rei.  
  
“An AT Field…!” Shinji screamed.  
  
Now Kaworu turned towards EVA-01. “That is what you Lilim call it. Yet you don’t know what it is? It is the light of the soul. All our souls, Lilim and Adamim alike, are coated in it. They prevent us from becoming one.” He turned towards Rei again. “Your effort is noble. But even with her soul inside you, you can’t repel me. You lack the Fruit of Life.”  
  
“In here, it doesn’t matter,” Rei told him.  
  
As if ignoring that answer, Kaworu continued, “I will unite with Mother. With Adam.”  
  
“Adam?” Rei asked. And then she turned sideways, to give Kaworu a clear look upon the creature.  
  
Slowly, Kaworu began floating towards it. “Yes, Adam...” He stopped. “No. Wait. That is...” He almost jerked back in the air. “Lilith! It’s Lilith! This is the Black Moon! It’s Lilith who has been waiting here, all this time! Billions of years, since its impact!” He quieted down and seemed to consider. “So… that’s the Lilim’s plan. To have her waiting here.” He looked at Rei. “Her!”  
  
“ _Our_ mother,” Rei replied. “ _Her_ body. That from which I can draw strength in this place.”  
  
“Adam and Lilith,” Kaworu muttered. “Fruits of Life and of Knowledge combined. With that strength...”  
  
“Yes,” Rei confirmed and nodded. Shinji felt another quake go through the ground, through the air, even.  
  
And immediately, a voice came through the comms. Misato was speaking frantically. “Shinji! Shinji, can you hear me?”  
  
“I’m here, Misato,” Shinji answered matter-of-factly.  
  
“Your bane is broken,” Rei told Kaworu.  
  
“Shinji! You must make an end to it!” Misato shouted. “The angel… it is directly next to its target. It can initiate Third Impact any moment!”  
  
Kaworu turned towards EVA-01 again. “Yes. Make an end to it, Shinji.”  
  
Shinji hesitated. He didn’t know what to do. Kaworu… an angel? And yet, everyone seemed to agree, even he himself. And he had talked about ending the world. So…  
  
EVA-01 took a step forward and grabbed Kaworu in its fist. “Kaworu… why?” Shinji wanted to know.  
  
“This is the only way to avert my destiny,” Kaworu claimed. “I know it hurts you… but it is my solace in the end that it was you who stopped me.”  
  
“It is an angel,” Misato insisted over the comms. “It just took on human _shape_. Destroy it!”  
  
“ _Quiet!”_ Shinji shouted back. “You made me pilot EVA. Now I am inside the EVA! As a consequence of you ordering me so! So now you will have to live with me making these decisions!”  
  
The comm system fell silent. Instead, Kaworu spoke up again, from inside of EVA-01’s fist. “Shinji… each of us has a choice. You do, and I do. This is the gift of free will.”  
  
“Then just… leave here,” Shinji argued. “Leave and never return.”  
  
“If I live, it means destruction for humanity,” Kaworu argued. “My life is forever tied to my destiny. I am the bearer of Adam’s soul. That’s who I am, and that’s what will always drive me. It is only the death of the self which can grant me freedom. Life and death are the only two choices I have left. Two equal choices. And I choose death.”  
  
“Your destiny… what do you mean by that?” Shinji asked desperately. “I don’t care about destiny and all this! But I can’t… I just can’t… I can’t kill you!”  
  
“The alternative is that _you_ die,” Kaworu explained. “Only one life form can exist, you see? It is either her children,” he nodded his head backwards, towards the creature on the cross, “or my brothers. Either _we_ evade destruction and inherit the future, or _you_ do. And Shinji… you are not the existence that should die. You, of all people, need a future. You have made my life meaningful. For this I thank you.”  
  
“But… I love you, Kaworu!” Shinji told him in anguish. “Only you made _my_ life worth living again. Survival without you is meaningless. It is _you_ who needs to survive under all circumstances!”  
  
“Despite my betrayal?” Kaworu asked softly.  
  
“I don’t care!” Shinji claimed. “But I can’t kill you.”  
  
“Only one race can survive,” Kaworu reminded him again. “That is the sad truth of the world.”  
  
“Shinji, please!” Misato pleaded over the comms. “Think of me. Think of Rei. Think of your former classmates… of Kensuke and Hikari. Think of Asuka! We wanted her to get better, didn’t we? And think of all the people here in NERV, and in Tokyo-3 and beyond… would you let them all die? Would you let the world die?”  
  
Shinji looked at Kaworu in the fist of EVA-01. Nobody moved. Nobody said anything anymore. _The fate of humanity…_ Misato, Asuka, Kensuke, Hikari… and yet…  
  
“The world…” he muttered. “The world has only ever hurt me… abandoned me, pained me, thrown me away. And yet I came here and defended it over and over again. Saved it over and over again. And still people just continued to hurt me ever more. And that _world…”_ He snarled the world. “I’m supposed to put that _world_ over Kaworu? The only person who has ever come in my life and hasn’t made things _worse_ , but better? The person who loves me?”  
  
“Shinji… I… I…” Misato tried. Shinji realized _what_ she was trying.  
  
“You… you were friendly to me when I came,” Shinji whispered. “But only because you wanted me to pilot EVA. If I didn’t, you were disappointed. You send me to fight an angel… and then again… and then again. And when I couldn’t do it anymore, then yet again.”  
  
“Shinji...” Misato whispered.  
  
EVA-01 opened its hand. Kaworu was released. The boy seemed to be surprised. “Shinji…!”  
  
“You said I had to choose,” Shinji told him. “That only one race can survive. I choose the angels. If I have to choose between the world and you… I choose you. You are better than _anything_ in this world. The world isn’t worth your sacrifice.”  
  
“Shinji!” Misato protested. “I can’t allow...”  
  
Another quake went through the air, followed by yet another one. Whatever Misato wanted to say got cut off.  
  
“She won’t be able to interfere now,” Rei commented. “Our AT Fields now don’t erode each other anymore. They now work together.”  
  
“You, of all people…?” Kaworu whispered, addressing Rei.  
  
“My brother can’t kill you,” Rei commented. “And I won’t. I won’t hurt him like this. If that means the end of… _her_ children...” She paused. “Only one race can survive. Maybe yours can build up a world with less pain and suffering.”  
  
“Like the pain you went through?” Kaworu asked softly. Rei merely nodded.  
  
Kaworu floated up to the creature on the cross, then stopped. “But… there is nothing I can do. This isn’t the Mother of my race, who could start the process of life forming all anew. It’s Lilith. Your kind’s mother.”  
  
“But you said you would destroy the world!” Shinji shouted. “Now… there never was a need to kill you?”  
  
Kaworu turned around in the air and looked EVA-01 right in the face. And now Shinji saw an expression on his face he had never seen there before: anger. “Don’t you see? Even so, as long as I live, I will be a threat to your kind. My nature is undeniable. Even if it can’t lead to your death now, Shinji… it has led to me betraying you! I betrayed you, the Lilim with the most beautiful heart, and I was ready to see you destroyed! Don’t you understand that?”  
  
Shinji hesitated. “I do understand,” he said quietly. “But still better my death than yours.”  
  
“Don’t say such things!” Kaworu told him. He voice seemed to be breaking, also something Shinji had never heard from him. “You burdened yourself with so much in order to save the world over and over again… to protect beauty and art and life and love… whereas I came to destroy all that. And now… I can’t even build up something better. This is Lilith, not Adam. I betrayed you, and yet the loneliness inside my heart, this feeling of incompleteness because I can’t be one with Adam… it will remain.”  
  
Shinji had never seen Kaworu so desperate. He didn’t know what to answer.  
  
It was Rei who, with her practical nature, solved that problem. “We must leave.” Both Kaworu and EVA-01 were now looking at her. “Our AT Fields can screen out NERV indefinitely. But eventually, Shinji will need nourishment. We can’t win a siege. However, our AT Fields allow us to freely come and leave, wherever we want to go.”  
  
Kaworu looked unsure, but Shinji answered, “Yes. Let’s leave this damn place.” He hesitated. “Together. With you, Kaworu.”  
  
“But I...” Kaworu tried to protest.  
  
Rei floated over to him and grabbed his wrist. “Come. We will need your AT Field as well.”  
  
Suddenly, Shinji felt _something_ around EVA-01. Like a sort of force encapsulating it. And then, just as suddenly, the Evangelion was elevated high above, rising higher and higher. And to its sides, Kaworu and Rei flanked it.  
  
_Towards heaven…_  


* * *

  
The soul who had made all the Earth the domain of her children. And the soul who should have held Earth as his domain. They could tread wherever they wished, for nobody was able to stop them, their light impenetrable fortresses of solitude. They could have neutralized each other, in an enmity that went back literally billions of years. The soul of the mother of Lilim, the soul of the mother of Adamim, and only one race could inherit the planet.  
  
But now, they were working together. They had manifested as people, and those people both loved, in their own different ways, this one unassuming Lilim boy, the boy with the heart of glass. The Earth, the billions of years, they were forgotten. Love had overcome them. And thus, with the two most powerful souls on Earth working together, there was nothing that could have stopped them. The light of their souls cut through NERV’s headquarter and then through the Geofront’s ceiling like a knife through butter. NERV could but watch the destruction unfold.  
  
Afterwards, it was easy to fool NERV’s omnipresent sensors. They picked up on the light of Adamite souls – but with Kaworu’s mastery over his soul’s light, he could send it anywhere. He could let the sensors think they were racing straight north, or straight west, or south towards the wide blue sea. Instead, they were going northeast, towards a maze of half-sunken skyscrapers, a field of ruins that once had been Japan’s grandest city. _Old Tokyo._ That was where they would hide.  
  
Kaworu looked at the destroyed city from above. _Destruction…_ It was exactly what he would have brought, but to the whole world. He would have turned all the Earth into Old Tokyo. He would have killed Shinji, he would have destroyed the magnificent civilization the Lilim had built up. And in the end, it had been for nothing. His grand plan had been to cowardly run away from his sin, to destroy the old world and flee into the embrace of Adam’s new world. That easy escape had been denied to him.  
  
He was still a threat to all Lilim. He still felt it inside him, this Adam-shaped hole, this loneliness, this incompleteness. He would survive for now, but at the price of putting the entire world, all the Lilim, Shinji Ikari at risk.  
  
EVA-01 landed right next to a half-destroyed skyscraper, water reaching up to its waist. The entire side of the building had been torn open, granting a view of mostly decayed and blown apart office cubicles and desks. EVA-01 turned its back towards that scene of destruction and released its entry-plug. With Rei’s help, Shinji managed to emerge from it, dripping with LCL. Carried by the light of her soul, he landed safely on one of the building’s crumbling floors.  
  
Kaworu turned away from the scene. He didn’t feel worthy of facing Shinji. _I have betrayed him…_ After a lifetime of detached loneliness, Shinji had been the one who had stood out among all the people around him. A boy of such beautiful sadness, of infinite tenderness and startling seriousness. A boy he loved. And he had betrayed him. More even… he had _hurt_ him. Shinji had suffered a _lifetime_ of hurt and pain. Abandoned by those who _should_ have loved him, he had only came to the attention of people again when they had a _use_ for him. And then they had made him suffer again and again and again.  
  
...and in the end, so had Kaworu. He had betrayed him and hurt him both emotionally and even physically, without care, without consideration. It wasn’t enough that he had thrown away his love; he just _had_ to further hurt him as well, despite all Shinji already had suffered. Kaworu felt _disgraceful.  
  
Shinji is forever lost to me… and so is Adam. _ It hadn’t been Adam deep down in the so-called ‘Geofront’. It had been Lilith inside her Black Moon. For billions of year that had been her place, the place where she had remained all the time. And Adam… Adam was nowhere in sight. There was now nothing Kaworu could do. SEELE had betrayed him, and that hole inside him would stay there forevermore. And if by improbable chance he did find Adam – that would then mean death for the Lilim.  
  
Kaworu had to face the full reality of his situation. He couldn’t just flee into a new world of his making. He was both a traitor and betrayed himself. The only two paths in front of him now were eternal incompleteness, or, even if a miracle happened to him, destruction of the magnificent culture of the Lilim. And he would have to face this without Shinji.  
  
His eyes got wet. _Tears…_ He hadn’t cried since the earliest days of his infancy. Why should he cry? He had this impenetrable barrier behind which to seek cover. He was the carrier of Adam’s soul, a being with purpose. And he had always gone through this world far too detached to cry. But now… _I have lost Adam. I have lost Shinji. And I’m still a threat to the Lilim. I…_  
  
He was so self-absorbed, he didn’t even notice when his AT Field flickered.  
  
“Kaworu…”  
  
The angel turned his head around, his face full of tears, and saw Shinji standing not a metre away from him, looking sad and concerned.  
  
Kaworu tried a reassuring smile, but it faltered. “You better stay away from me, Shinji. I’m only pain and… and…” He couldn’t go on.  
  
Shinji slighty shook his head. “No. You… you are…”  
  
“I’m your enemy!” Kaworu shouted now. “I’m an angel! I betrayed you! I…”  
  
Shinji rushed forwards. Before Kaworu could even react, he was being held in a tight embrace. _Shinji…_ He could feel Shinji, despite his conviction that he had lost him. And that was just too much for him. He simply cried into Shinji’s shoulder now. All his pain, his despair, his anguish flowed through these tears. And Shinji was just there and held him. Even now, Shinji was just there for him and accepted him. Kaworu couldn’t believe it. It felt like being saved from damnation.  
  
It took some minutes until he had the strength to talk again, to protest again. “Why… Why are you doing this? After all I… why?”  
  
“Because you… uh… you seem to need it,” Shinji told him.  
  
“But I…” Kaworu started to protest, but then stopped again.  
  
“I don’t… I don’t presume to know your situation,” Shinji told him softly. “But I know despair. I was desperate when you came. I couldn’t go on. Asuka lost to me, Rei lost to me and I… all that fighting… And then you came. And told me you loved me.”  
  
“I do,” Kaworu confirmed. And it sounded indeed desperate.  
  
“Don’t you see?” Shinji argued. “You just came and made everything alright. For _me_! You lifted me up from despair! I _love_ you, Kaworu. I still do and I always will. How… how could I leave you alone in your despair then?”  
  
Kaworu took a step back to look into Shinji’s face, tears still flowing over his. His voice had gotten steady again, though. “You never hurt me in your despair, or anyone else. I betrayed you and hurt you.”  
  
Shinji blushed and looked down. “Kaworu, I… you should have told me. You should have. We could… maybe we could have found a solution. We will now. But I… I don’t know. It seems unfair to judge you. After all, I don’t feel that eternal loneliness and incompleteness you talked about. I have no urge to go and unite with… whatever.”  
  
“I do,” Kaworu told him. “I still do, and it won’t ever go away. And still you’d accept me?”  
  
“You accepted me without question,” Shinji answered. “I’ll do the same.” He hesitated. “I… I’m hurt, yes. But not in as much pain as I would have been if you had never come. You don’t seem to realize how much good you have done. How much you mean to me.”  
  
‘ _How much good’?_ Kaworu couldn’t believe what Shinji was saying. He had just tried to end his entire existence! And yet, Shinji still accepted him. It was… salvation. A point of bright burning hope amidst the dark despair that he was feeling. And so he again clung to Shinji, to this sole remaining hope he had.  
  
After a while, Shinji led Kaworu to a nearby office desk. They sat down on two half-rotten but still functional swivel chairs, close to each other. Kaworu still rested his head on Shinji’s shoulder.  
  
“You… you told me once how all angels are alone,” Shinji told him. “That they… _you_ are all extremely lonely. And that we humans could be better, but squander our potential.”  
  
“Yes...” Kaworu confirmed.  
  
“You were right. There is no use in fighting if we all just end up lonely,” Shinji stated. “It doesn’t matter then if we humans or you angels inhabit the Earth. What does it matter if we’re all lonely and hurting anyway? So we… we need to stand together.”  
  
Kaworu raised his head from his shoulder. “Shinji?”  
  
The boy smiled sadly at him. “I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I want to be with you. I want to leave everything behind… my earlier despair, what you’ve done, all the secrecy and lies… maybe we can… well… make a fresh start?”  
  
“No more secrets,” Kaworu whispered in return. “I’d like that. But I still don’t think I _deserve_ a ‘fresh start’.”  
  
“The past… is the past,” Shinji insisted. “We should look to the future.”  
  
Faced with so much forgiveness, so much acceptance, so much love… Kaworu was overwhelmed yet again. He placed his chair in front of Shinji’s. “I love you.”  
  
Both of them bent forwards and kissed.


End file.
